I'm not sure whether it's because I'm back in Boise or if it's something else, but I haven't really been able to cry much lately. I wish I could because it feels really good. I think it's that I haven't been able to grasp the fact that he is actually gone. I was on hulu today and it had an ad for Friday Night Lights. I always used to make fun of dad for watching it because mom always said it was a soap opera for men (it was still manly only because it was about football). After seeing that ad my first thought was, "I wonder if he still watches that?"
Whenever I see pictures I just don't believe he is gone. It's the craziest thing. Knowing something and believing something are two completely different things, and it's never been more obvious yet confusing to me as it is now. I don't know if I'll ever really think that he's gone. I wonder if I'll ever get a note or a text from mom that says just 'love, mom' and not add 'and dad' to the end. I know dad loves me. I wonder if I have to say 'my dad was' instead of 'is'. I just don't know. I believe that he's more alive than any of us are, so isn't 'is' more appropriate than was? Isn't he now what he was always meant to be before?
I sure miss him. I'll never understand it, and I'm not looking to understand it. The reason is because maybe God's plan in all this is that it'll bring a bunch of people to know him in the end. But my selfish desires say that's not good enough. I am human and I just want my dad. My human mind can never comprehend how God could ever let this happen, and I am content not knowing the reason and just missing him. I don't think there could be an explanation that would satisfy me. I couldn't give up someone I love for any number of people.
It sure makes you think about Easter and how God could watch his son suffer, and see his perfect son become sin, the very thing that God hates. I still don't understand the pain, but I can only take mine and apply it there. I appreciate what He did for us very much. I'm so grateful and I don't know how he could do it.
I want to thank those of you who have sat in silence with me and cried with me. All of you who have just listened as I cried or yelled. Thank you to all of you who have just loved me these past few weeks. It's not yet been 3 weeks since he died, and you've given me a break. We serve a patient God, a God who understands us more than we can ever know. He gets that I'm so mad, and so sad. He is not afraid of my anger or confusion. I am so thankful for the friends who have reminded me of that. THAT is what brings me closer to him.
I love you daddy, I miss you so much. I wonder what you did today in heaven. I hope you are laughing a lot.
Love,
Madeline
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Weighed down
Yesterday one of my friends told me that they can never tell when I am joking or not. I was very thankful. That's what we always said about dad.
I read the verse 1 Timothy 5:5 "The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and ask God for help." I really hope that God is helping my mom because I can't imagine losing half of me.
So far everything is consumed by my suffering. I still experience the same teenage emotions, the ups and downs, but my thoughts and experiences all have a chain attached to them with a 100 pound weight. I don't know anything without the pain. And it's not even pain like the piercing physical pain where I want to cry all the time, it's dull and lifeless. I don't know how to describe it further.
My days seem so consuming. What I mean is, my heavy heart seems to wear me out. I have never felt anything deeper, it's as is God is stretching my soul. Even though I am growing deeper, 90% of me is consumed with sorrow, and 5% is contentment or joy and the other 5% is shallow happiness. My days are filled like this. I don't know what to say to people when they ask how I am. 1. because I don't really know. 2. because it's an answer most don't want to hear. I am sure eventually my sorrow will be joy (in that case I will have a lot of extra joy) but right now I am still really confused and not sure which way to turn.
I have realized recently that my biggest struggle with God has been feeling loved by him. There are a few things that have revealed this to me. One is that I've always sort of known, but I never knew how intense my feelings of neglect from him were. Another is my relationship with boys. I understand the verse in genesis when God says "your husband will rule over you". I really don't think he meant it in a way that he was assigning husbands that role, but he meant that men will rule over the hearts of women. In the same way, men have the burden of work and provision on their hearts. This is true for me and it has always been true. What I have done in my time of being a Christian is: learn this briefly about myself, understand that it wasn't a good feeling, and sweep it under the rug. I've become a master of repressing my feelings and becoming "the perfect" type of girl. It's easy. It was easy in high school when I knew how to pursue boys. I've learned that I want to be pursued so when I stopped pursuing and waited to be pursued, I still did everything I could to fit that mold.
Now, I also am fairly self aware. Outside of my relationship with boys, I don't struggle too much with identity. It's just that when it comes to this part of my life, I am utterly consumed. It's a sick addiction that can easily be justified. I'm a master at every part of it but getting out. The time that I realized it was really bad was when I was reading something a girl wrote about her boyfriend on facebook. She wrote about how he was her life and her hero and her everything. Now my Christian mind knew how dangerous that was, but my flesh wanted that too. I remember my mind wanted to warn her, but my heart said, I wish that was appropriate, I wish that was good because it would be so easy and so natural. And that is what sin is, easy and natural. I don't want God in that way because to me He has never been someone who has been love to me. I don't know what that looks like but I do know that it's a lot more healthy than the way I have relied on boys to provide love (which has been quite minimal).
Well that's where I am. Do you understand why I don't know what to say when people ask me how I am?
I read the verse 1 Timothy 5:5 "The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and ask God for help." I really hope that God is helping my mom because I can't imagine losing half of me.
So far everything is consumed by my suffering. I still experience the same teenage emotions, the ups and downs, but my thoughts and experiences all have a chain attached to them with a 100 pound weight. I don't know anything without the pain. And it's not even pain like the piercing physical pain where I want to cry all the time, it's dull and lifeless. I don't know how to describe it further.
My days seem so consuming. What I mean is, my heavy heart seems to wear me out. I have never felt anything deeper, it's as is God is stretching my soul. Even though I am growing deeper, 90% of me is consumed with sorrow, and 5% is contentment or joy and the other 5% is shallow happiness. My days are filled like this. I don't know what to say to people when they ask how I am. 1. because I don't really know. 2. because it's an answer most don't want to hear. I am sure eventually my sorrow will be joy (in that case I will have a lot of extra joy) but right now I am still really confused and not sure which way to turn.
I have realized recently that my biggest struggle with God has been feeling loved by him. There are a few things that have revealed this to me. One is that I've always sort of known, but I never knew how intense my feelings of neglect from him were. Another is my relationship with boys. I understand the verse in genesis when God says "your husband will rule over you". I really don't think he meant it in a way that he was assigning husbands that role, but he meant that men will rule over the hearts of women. In the same way, men have the burden of work and provision on their hearts. This is true for me and it has always been true. What I have done in my time of being a Christian is: learn this briefly about myself, understand that it wasn't a good feeling, and sweep it under the rug. I've become a master of repressing my feelings and becoming "the perfect" type of girl. It's easy. It was easy in high school when I knew how to pursue boys. I've learned that I want to be pursued so when I stopped pursuing and waited to be pursued, I still did everything I could to fit that mold.
Now, I also am fairly self aware. Outside of my relationship with boys, I don't struggle too much with identity. It's just that when it comes to this part of my life, I am utterly consumed. It's a sick addiction that can easily be justified. I'm a master at every part of it but getting out. The time that I realized it was really bad was when I was reading something a girl wrote about her boyfriend on facebook. She wrote about how he was her life and her hero and her everything. Now my Christian mind knew how dangerous that was, but my flesh wanted that too. I remember my mind wanted to warn her, but my heart said, I wish that was appropriate, I wish that was good because it would be so easy and so natural. And that is what sin is, easy and natural. I don't want God in that way because to me He has never been someone who has been love to me. I don't know what that looks like but I do know that it's a lot more healthy than the way I have relied on boys to provide love (which has been quite minimal).
Well that's where I am. Do you understand why I don't know what to say when people ask me how I am?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I still have no clue.
It's crazy to be sitting here in my dorm again, after what seems like months. I keep thinking of all of the memories I had here this past year. I feel like I've changed so much, yet I still know the person I was last August. This year has been filled with so much pain. So many events that broke my heart, crushed my bones, took my breath.
I have so many mixed feelings about this year. Part of me is really envious of so many girls I see having such a perfect college experience. While I know that no one has a perfect life, I often get caught in that trap of jealousy. I wish that I could have easily made a huge group of friends (kept them longer than a few months) and done wacky crazy things that will be *hilarious* to tell my friends back home. Now, I know that most people reading this will say "who is she talking about? This isn't my life..." I understand that. But that was MY plan for college. It obviously didn't go that way... ergo confusion, jealousy, bleh.
So the other part of me says "Thank you God!" My sufferings have changed me and helped me grow so much. There were so many times when I thought, "Wow, that was hard, surely God will give me a break. Maybe say.. a year of abundant joy and blessings? Sounds good." Whenever I thought it really couldn't get worse, it really really did. Dad has cancer, Dad's tumor came back, Dad's tumor is growing, Dad has a few days to live, Dad passed away. And the way I feel now is... Dad died, but it could get a lot worse. I don't want to test God. Maybe I was before, I don't really know. But I LOVE my mom and my sisters and brother. I love my friends and my extended family. I have so much to lose. Now that I realize that, I have never felt more at peace.
No it doesn't make any sense to me but I conclude that it's the irony of God's love. I had so much fear before. I thought the world would end if Dad died. But he did. And it didn't. I don't walk around crying all day like I thought I would, but I feel joyful sometimes like I thought I wouldn't. It's all very confusing and I just try to make some sense of it. Every hour is different. Every emotion is felt. But I did discover that it feels so good to cry and just mourn for my dad. I have a really hard time doing that unless I am worshiping God. Something for me to think about.
I found a verse today, or God gave it to me, either way it gave me so much comfort that the words of people have not yet given me:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I don't completely understand, but for a moment when I read it I felt Paul had written that for me. I felt taken care of.
Well this started off at one point and ended at a completely different one. Hope it made sense.
Time for bed,
Maddi
I have so many mixed feelings about this year. Part of me is really envious of so many girls I see having such a perfect college experience. While I know that no one has a perfect life, I often get caught in that trap of jealousy. I wish that I could have easily made a huge group of friends (kept them longer than a few months) and done wacky crazy things that will be *hilarious* to tell my friends back home. Now, I know that most people reading this will say "who is she talking about? This isn't my life..." I understand that. But that was MY plan for college. It obviously didn't go that way... ergo confusion, jealousy, bleh.
So the other part of me says "Thank you God!" My sufferings have changed me and helped me grow so much. There were so many times when I thought, "Wow, that was hard, surely God will give me a break. Maybe say.. a year of abundant joy and blessings? Sounds good." Whenever I thought it really couldn't get worse, it really really did. Dad has cancer, Dad's tumor came back, Dad's tumor is growing, Dad has a few days to live, Dad passed away. And the way I feel now is... Dad died, but it could get a lot worse. I don't want to test God. Maybe I was before, I don't really know. But I LOVE my mom and my sisters and brother. I love my friends and my extended family. I have so much to lose. Now that I realize that, I have never felt more at peace.
No it doesn't make any sense to me but I conclude that it's the irony of God's love. I had so much fear before. I thought the world would end if Dad died. But he did. And it didn't. I don't walk around crying all day like I thought I would, but I feel joyful sometimes like I thought I wouldn't. It's all very confusing and I just try to make some sense of it. Every hour is different. Every emotion is felt. But I did discover that it feels so good to cry and just mourn for my dad. I have a really hard time doing that unless I am worshiping God. Something for me to think about.
I found a verse today, or God gave it to me, either way it gave me so much comfort that the words of people have not yet given me:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I don't completely understand, but for a moment when I read it I felt Paul had written that for me. I felt taken care of.
Well this started off at one point and ended at a completely different one. Hope it made sense.
Time for bed,
Maddi
Friday, April 15, 2011
No Idea
Well this is an interesting way to start out my first blog. I am not in the best mood given my current circumstances, but I can't tell you this isn't the real me. I may say things that I wouldn't say when I am in a happier mood, but that's something beautiful about pain.
My dad went to heaven last Wednesday and it's been a crazy time. I can't explain what's been going through my head because I don't even really know. I do know that I have learned a lot. So here are some things that I've learned:
1. When you face your worst fear, you aren't really scared of anything anymore
2. It helps to see people crying for you
3. People are extremely selfish
4. People mean well
5. Flowers don't bring dad back, but they do make the house smell nice
6. I have this crazy drive to buy everything I want
7. I don't have to take care of everyone because I can't, and God can
8. Life will go on
9. I'll be in heaven soon
The hardest part of this whole thing hands down:
I don't want to talk to my best friend. I want to hurt HIM like He's hurt me. I mean God of course. This is irrational, prideful, selfish, whatever you want to call it, I know so you don't need to tell me. I haven't talked to God since my mom told me my dad passed away. I have thought about it. I have felt him trying to talk to me. But what I realized is that I am holding onto that hate. Sin is so delicious to us. I love the hate, I love to hold onto it. This has not shaken my belief in God, no. It has made me hate him, and question that He is good or has ever been good. Taking my dad, makes me think I have justification for hating him. When you tell me that He is the ultimate comforter, and he wants to comfort me more than anything, I think "perfect, then I won't give Him what He wants." This won't last forever. But it has been a week since my beloved father has passed, so give me a break. I have felt the emptiness of not having a relationship with God this week though. I can't imagine how people feel who never talk to God. Who wants that? What a boring life.
That's one thing I always remember, at least I'm not bored. Every day is an adventure, with God no less. It's CRAZY in a good way. And a bad way. Who really knows. To quote Mumford and Sons: How fickle my heart and how woozy my mind.
Going to lunch now,
Maddi
My dad went to heaven last Wednesday and it's been a crazy time. I can't explain what's been going through my head because I don't even really know. I do know that I have learned a lot. So here are some things that I've learned:
1. When you face your worst fear, you aren't really scared of anything anymore
2. It helps to see people crying for you
3. People are extremely selfish
4. People mean well
5. Flowers don't bring dad back, but they do make the house smell nice
6. I have this crazy drive to buy everything I want
7. I don't have to take care of everyone because I can't, and God can
8. Life will go on
9. I'll be in heaven soon
The hardest part of this whole thing hands down:
I don't want to talk to my best friend. I want to hurt HIM like He's hurt me. I mean God of course. This is irrational, prideful, selfish, whatever you want to call it, I know so you don't need to tell me. I haven't talked to God since my mom told me my dad passed away. I have thought about it. I have felt him trying to talk to me. But what I realized is that I am holding onto that hate. Sin is so delicious to us. I love the hate, I love to hold onto it. This has not shaken my belief in God, no. It has made me hate him, and question that He is good or has ever been good. Taking my dad, makes me think I have justification for hating him. When you tell me that He is the ultimate comforter, and he wants to comfort me more than anything, I think "perfect, then I won't give Him what He wants." This won't last forever. But it has been a week since my beloved father has passed, so give me a break. I have felt the emptiness of not having a relationship with God this week though. I can't imagine how people feel who never talk to God. Who wants that? What a boring life.
That's one thing I always remember, at least I'm not bored. Every day is an adventure, with God no less. It's CRAZY in a good way. And a bad way. Who really knows. To quote Mumford and Sons: How fickle my heart and how woozy my mind.
Going to lunch now,
Maddi
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