I was zoning out while at work today and I was thinking about my dad, of course. I realized that I still sometimes think he's alive and he's just not here. I don't think specifics, but maybe he's on a business trip or this weekend he went to visit his mom. I get so sad when I realize that's not actually the case. I kept thinking, "Why do I need to know he's gone... can't I just be in denial my whole life. That sounds good to me." I knew this wasn't healthy, but I don't really care.
A while later my mind wandered back to that subject and a strong thought came into my mind. I know that type of thought and it's the Lord in me. It said "He is alive, he is somewhere else. He's not here, he's in heaven." I don't need to live my life knowing he is gone, because while he's not on this earth anymore, he is more alive than I am right now.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:
13 We do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, about those who are asleep, so you do not grieve as the rest who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, so also God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.
I do not have to grieve like the rest of the world. I can, but what benefit would that be to me when I have this awesome hope. Surely, death has lost its sting.
Thanks Jesus =)
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Don't you know who you are?
You Are More, by Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
Listen to the song. It's incredible.
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
Listen to the song. It's incredible.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Just Gotta Love Him
I'm feeling pretty negative today, so I wanted to write a list of things that God has done for me. I'm so thankful for Him.
1. didn't let me get another job, because he knew that I'm employed full time with grieving.
2. even though I don't feel very supported by people, I don't have one ounce of loneliness. None.
3. he died for me. nbd.
4. he gave me a love for learning, and classes this summer have been rewarding and fun.
5. he pushed me to get through today, and with his strength it felt like I was floating on a cloud.
6. he's given me friends I can count on, more than a handful.
7. i have a wonderful mother, who is devoted to raising us well.
8. i have the best father, who is safely back home where we all belong.
9. my parents were super smart and saved money so that we can live well after they're gone.
10. i have hope and a future
11. he never lets me stay in my despair for too long
Right now, my favorite one of all is that God saved me. I was in love with this world and everything it had to offer and I was dead inside. I was trapped and I was miserable...and I didn't really know it until I look back on that life I had with new eyes. New eyes that see Jesus as my King and Savior. I don't escape pain, obviously, but that pain just becomes something so enriching. I can feel my soul growing. I can feel myself being molded into something that is more pure than yesterday. It's an incredible feeling and I would never give it up to feel the way I did before. It's not even a question.
Maddi
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
the adventures of my shapeless world
It's times like these when one really asks: What am I doing here?
I have been having these moments consistently for the past two months. Since Dad died I feel like my world has been completely broken. Nothing seems worthy of time, nothing seems reasonable. I can't bring myself to want to do anything. I do a lot of things, but I don't really want to do them. I just don't see a point. The things I do, I do because I am obligated. Work, eating, sleeping, even spending time with my family and with God is an obligation I put upon myself.
I know deep in my heart that God doesn't want to be an obligation to me, but a deep desire. In my heart He is an obligation right now, but I do it out of love for Him and for myself. I do it because I am selfish and I know that if I spend time with Him my heart will be happy... eventually. I know that I NEED Him. I really really don't want to take time to pray for my friends or family or even myself. I don't want to read every day and I don't want to cry and cry over my dad who isn't coming back. I don't want to cast all my cares on the Lord. I don't want to come to Him and tell him my troubles and worries. I don't want to do so many things. I literally want the world to stop all for me so that I can lay in bed and eat whatever food I want and watch TV all day AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!
The time I spend forcing myself to hangout with God enables me to get out of bed at 7 every morning and coach. It gets me to the gym and to read my textbook. It gets me to have small glimpses of hope every day for something small whether it's dessert or a meeting with a friend. It helps me to feel alive at all. I feel in my heart that there is no purpose at all, and that worldview provides for a very stagnant day. God is the only reason that I can do anything at all when I feel that there is absolutely no reason to do anything at all. And I mean anything.
I love my friends in Fort Collins, I know you are here for me. But because of my state of mind I don't have much desire to hang out with friends. I just prefer to be alone or with my family. So I don't get many texts or have many outside conversations. This would've killed me last year, but somehow I've never felt more loved or more secure. I thank God yet again for saving me from that trap within myself. I feel that there are a million angels surrounding me telling me I'm not alone. I don't have to worry about so many things that I used to before. (I never had to, but I was trapped within myself).
Well I suppose to finish off, I have been questioning my purpose and the purpose of any of this at all. I don't have an answer, nor am I looking for one. I don't want to be satisfied with an answer to that. I want to be ever seeking and learning. Right now I am distressed and frustrated and angry and broken, yet I have never felt so peaceful. I've never felt this peace while I was comfortable and happy. I never thought I needed God when I felt that way. I hope that God lets my heart feel desires and dreams and hopes again soon, but right now I am satisfied (most of the time) with feeling absolutely out of my mind insanely uncomfortable. Other times I am really pissed.
It's all gooood.
Maddi
I have been having these moments consistently for the past two months. Since Dad died I feel like my world has been completely broken. Nothing seems worthy of time, nothing seems reasonable. I can't bring myself to want to do anything. I do a lot of things, but I don't really want to do them. I just don't see a point. The things I do, I do because I am obligated. Work, eating, sleeping, even spending time with my family and with God is an obligation I put upon myself.
I know deep in my heart that God doesn't want to be an obligation to me, but a deep desire. In my heart He is an obligation right now, but I do it out of love for Him and for myself. I do it because I am selfish and I know that if I spend time with Him my heart will be happy... eventually. I know that I NEED Him. I really really don't want to take time to pray for my friends or family or even myself. I don't want to read every day and I don't want to cry and cry over my dad who isn't coming back. I don't want to cast all my cares on the Lord. I don't want to come to Him and tell him my troubles and worries. I don't want to do so many things. I literally want the world to stop all for me so that I can lay in bed and eat whatever food I want and watch TV all day AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!
The time I spend forcing myself to hangout with God enables me to get out of bed at 7 every morning and coach. It gets me to the gym and to read my textbook. It gets me to have small glimpses of hope every day for something small whether it's dessert or a meeting with a friend. It helps me to feel alive at all. I feel in my heart that there is no purpose at all, and that worldview provides for a very stagnant day. God is the only reason that I can do anything at all when I feel that there is absolutely no reason to do anything at all. And I mean anything.
I love my friends in Fort Collins, I know you are here for me. But because of my state of mind I don't have much desire to hang out with friends. I just prefer to be alone or with my family. So I don't get many texts or have many outside conversations. This would've killed me last year, but somehow I've never felt more loved or more secure. I thank God yet again for saving me from that trap within myself. I feel that there are a million angels surrounding me telling me I'm not alone. I don't have to worry about so many things that I used to before. (I never had to, but I was trapped within myself).
Well I suppose to finish off, I have been questioning my purpose and the purpose of any of this at all. I don't have an answer, nor am I looking for one. I don't want to be satisfied with an answer to that. I want to be ever seeking and learning. Right now I am distressed and frustrated and angry and broken, yet I have never felt so peaceful. I've never felt this peace while I was comfortable and happy. I never thought I needed God when I felt that way. I hope that God lets my heart feel desires and dreams and hopes again soon, but right now I am satisfied (most of the time) with feeling absolutely out of my mind insanely uncomfortable. Other times I am really pissed.
It's all gooood.
Maddi
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