{.:---:.}

I've never realized how big a price we must pay in order to really be close to God. He will always be there, pursuing us, etc. But for me to know Him takes so much effort, and here's what I mean:

Knowing God is so incredibly simple. I need to abandon my own rights to my life.
         For example: when my boss makes me mad, I feel the need to ignore him or make a sarcastic    
         comment. When I'm hurting one day and I'm at work, I am compelled to rent people gear without
         looking them in the eyes or giving them any sense of love. When I am heavy burdened, I want
         to ignore people and tuck myself away in my house in front of the TV.

But I can't. Because when I do, I take a step closer to my carnal self. I walk closer to my selfish nature. The nature that is so delicious and exhilarating and ignorant. It is so easy, and not just easy but urgent and gripping. It's not just urgent and gripping, but so comforting. It's comforting because I guard my mind from anything that challenges my sin.

-I was rude to him because he made me stay late. He's always annoying anyways and he needs everything to be perfect. The carpets look fine.

No, I was rude because I was lazy and didn't want to vacuum. Vaccuuming is in my job description and I stayed late because I didn't do it earlier.

But who wouldn't agree with me? If I vented about my boss to anyone with those words, I would only get conforming responses, with some sympathy thrown in. Yeah, he's a terrible boss, I heard he's not even a good climber. Ahhh, now I feel better.


These occurances are so common in our lives that we don't even notice it. They are second nature to Christians and non-believers alike. But from my recent experiences with God, these are the tiny details of our lives that impact our relationship with God the most. Each time I choose to exercise my laziness, my rude thoughts, my ability to gossip, etc. I walk away from God a little more. But the thing is, I'm starting to notice this so much in my life that I can actually feel it. I can feel me removing myself from God. He is very much 'there' because he is faithful, but these are the choices that clog my spirit. These choices that clog my spirit don't allow me to feel God's Holy Spirit, which is very real.

From my experience, this is what happens next. We feel guilty. We miss God. We get together and talk about how we just wish God could be our life rather than just a part of our lives. We want to show the love of Christ to our friends and co-workers, but how?

Well here are some ideas I've come up with.
1. Let's take the plank out of our own eyes and choose to see ourselves the way God sees us. Redeemed, but in need of Him everyday. Our friends aren't the only ones in need of saving. Sancitfication needs its tender love and care.

2. Read the Bible. Not because "God will be mad if you don't have a quiet time". Because we desperately need it, seriously.

3. Pray. There are probably so many reasons Jesus may want us to pray, but somewhere within those words, our hearts change and God is pleased.

4. And the one that has caught my attention the most lately, ask God to teach you how to love Him. I don't know how to love God. I sure don't know how to love His sheep. Since those are the most important commandments, let's learn.


Knowing God is so simple. However, knowing God is so complicated for us because we have give up what we know so dearly. Hopefully I can start to challenge my sin through these gracious gifts God has given me: scripture and prayer. I want to start taking it more seriously and I know I will fail that (knowledge from previous experiences) but God is gracious and faithful and I bet that He will help.

One Year Later

I look back on this day last year and remember my disbelief. Mom called me and told me you died and I never cried. I didn't cry because I didn't really know what it would be like without you. I didn't know because you'd been there my whole life loving me and raising me. I did know it was the first day of my new life.

There were changes that we had to make that I didn't like. I didn't like going around without a man with us. We knew people in public would assume you were a bad father and you left us when we were young, but you weren't and you didn't. We knew it looked like you'd left mom to be a single mother and we hated that, because you were the best. We didn't like asking for five seats instead of six at restaurant tables. I hated leaving you out when I had to fill out emergency contacts. Sometimes I still wrote you in. But mom said I could get in trouble for that.

Summer was hard because I felt alone. I didn't know another college student going through something like this. I didn't like how I felt. I felt so angry at people because I wanted people to care, but I also had to remember they had their own lives. This year is when I learned how to love man but not put your trust in man, and God knows that lesson better than I. I did have some good friends though, and you know who you are because you have sat and cried with me when I needed it most.

Going back to Boise was not great to put it lightly, but there I learned the beauty of solitude. I loved Boise, but when things change it's just not the same. I couldn't be there like I was before. Though I had to say goodbye to some dear friends, moving home was the best decision I've ever made.

And coming to CSU. Much like the awkward ''how are you's?" at the beginning of the year, came to infamous "how do you like CSU?" A harmless question but aggrivating nonetheless. I'll clear this question up with -our culture's taboo- pessimism: CSU is fine. But I don't like college. I know. I should go on tour with the circus. A college student? Not being absolutely, over the top, crazy in love with the best years of my life, oh em gee, college? No. I don't like college. Sorry, if you want the answer you're looking for ask (something offensive that I won't post on my blog but it would make most of you laugh, I'm sure).  And enough venting for the year. Just had to throw that in there because I'm naturally passive aggresive and won't say something like this to a nice person's face.

I did love this year for some reasons too. I love how much we love each other now. I spend so much time with my family and we have all gotten so much closer. I love how much I love my dad. I loved you before, but now I get to see you as perfect. I forget your flaws and I long to see you again. I don't remember loving someone this much before you died. And I hate to say it but I don't think my love for you would be quite the same if things were normal like they had been all our lives. Things change and I think I knew what a great dad I had, but I just don't think you can fully desire something when it's in your grasp. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just know that I've never loved someone so much as I do now, and I cry without fail when I think of the day that you'll greet me at the Gates. I'll get to see you again! And we'll be more real than I am now. I'll get to see you again, big smile and think hair. That's the beauty in Jesus.

My favorite part of this year is how much more I know God. What a perfect way to end the first year. The first anniversary being on Good Friday. So much symbolism goes into that and it's one of those things God does for you where you just freaking can't understand how He thought of something SO PERFECT. It's just beautiful to me. I think back to this day last year when my dad died, and 2000 years ago when my God died. But the only miracle and the only hope that matters is that He was raised on Sunday so that my dad could be raised with Him, and so that all who believe in Him can be raised with Him. That is radical. As most of you know I was praying for a miracle last year, but God gently showed me that He performed a miracle that is the only one that matters. I would have loved for 40 more years with my dad, but he would have died everntually just like me. God showed me how much HE matters to our lives. Thank God. He stays true to His word. He LOVES the orphan and the widow, and he provides for them. He is near to the brokenhearted and when I am weak He is strong. Therefore I will boast all the more in my weaknesses. I'm a ragamuffin, I'm fatherless, I'm broken, and I will recieve your amazing grace because I am in desperate need.

Dad I love you. Father, I love you. This next year, take care of my brother more than anyone. I know you've got big plans for him.