Hi friends, I am writing this post because I feel that it has been long enough that I can share some of my wisdom in grief and loss. I am a very thoughtful person and have really meditated on my thoughts and feelings in the past few years. So please take what I say to heart, and if you have your own ideas please comment!
Grief is scary and uncomfortable. Watching someone cry can be so awkward and no one knows what to say to the person who just lost a loved one. What do you say.
Here are a few tips on how to help a friend through grief and loss:
1) Silence.
2) Silence. This is the most important point. When in doubt be silent. They need to talk, you listen. They need to cry, you listen, or cry, or hold them. They need to sit and stare at the wall, you sit with them. You are doing more good for them with your silent presence then you are letting them be alone. You can do a lot of damage with your words. Let silence be your strength. It is not wrong to speak, but that is not what they need.
3) Share their sadness. If you are effected by this, don't be afriad to talk about it with them. It can be the most comforting thing for a grieving person to know that you are sad too. The refreshment I felt from crying with my friends over it could only be explained as "mourn with those who mourn" and "carry each other's burdens"
4) Be specific in your offers. It is not effective to text or call saying, "If you need ANYTHING, Just let me know" They probably won't ask. Be specific. Ask if they need laundry done or dinner made. Ask if they need to take a nap and you can take the kids to a movie. Ask if they want you to go grocery shopping for them. It can be hard for the bereaved to accept those offers sometimes, but it gets easier to accept help so don't be discouraged if you are turned down at first.
5) Ask them about their reason for grieving. For me, I want to talk about my dad. All I want sometimes is for people to ask what my dad's favorite color is. I will talk about my dad in conversations because I just want to talk about him. Sometimes people get really uncomfortable which makes me sad, because I love my dad and I want to remember him. It makes me sad that sometimes even talking about my beloved dad is taboo because death is taboo.
6) Know that grief is not contagious. Don't avoid the grieving person because you may fear depth of conversation, pain, or your own future. This is very obvious in the grieving process and one of the most painful things can be alienation because of grief.
7) Be humble. You don't need to be strong, you don't need to be wise, you don't need to know what to say. Even if you've been through something similar, it is not your story and it is not the same. Silence and listening come from humility. Know that Jesus is in control and we never are.
8) You can't fix it. The blind can't lead the blind, the broken can't fix the broken. Don't try to fix anything. It seems obvious, right? But when the times comes it isn't so obvious. A teenage girl who is losing her hair to chemo does not want to hear, "But you know what? You can still wear a wig!" No, she wants to grow her own hair. Trying to fix things just makes the grieving person hide their true emotions from everyone else. Let Jesus be the one in charge.
7) Your job is to be a friend. If you want to know how to really bother a grieving person, just read Job. His friends talked a lot and made excuses and reasons as to why this was happening. Just be a friend. The best way you can be a friend is to sit and listen, share in their sadness, offer specific help, be humble, and not be afraid of grief. Love this person. This is their story and you get to walk alongside of them. Jesus tells us to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. He came to give us abundant life and grieving can ironically be one of the most life giving times. So share that!
Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.
These are ideas that I have learned over the past few years and they are also ideas that I forget all the time. If someone I know is grieving my first reaction is that I don't know what to say! Don't stress over the situation because Jesus is in control, and you are not. So don't be the savior, just be a friend. Chances are if you are reading this, you are already a great friend to those who are in need.
With that I just want to say thank you to some of my friends who may not have known what to say, but were the greatest friends in my time of need. I specifically remember the ways you have loved me and I will not forget.
Thank you.
Jake, Jordan, Taylor, Jenessa, Kate, Amy, The Jordan Family, Hope, Jenica, Katie S., Rachel R.
