aaaaah

Just something I was thinking about today:
Jokes, like clothes, go out of style. Since I don't want to complain over facebook, and I'm too polite to tell people to their faces (or chicken) I will complain here: where I can because you were the one who came to my page.
Things that aren't funny anymore:
1. When boys where tight/ short bottoms and then act sexy.

That's all. There are more but that's the one I really want to stress. Just really not funny at all anymore.

My heart is just broken today. I just can't stop crying all day. Last night I had a hard time too. I just miss my dad so much. I miss his smile and his jokes. I miss how he used to laugh because when he laughed it was something really funny. If you made him laugh that was a big deal. I miss when he'd roll his eyes at us. I miss when he'd yell at us for messing up the computer or the downstairs tv. I miss that whenever we'd call him to come fix a problem, he would arrive and somehow it would just start working so he'd think we were lying. I miss that he and mom were going to travel the world when they retired. I miss that my sweet mom had a husband that took care of her and brought her flowers sometimes after work. I miss when she was happy. I miss him gently putting his hands on my shoulders and kissing my head and lingering just annoyingly too long, because I wanted to get back to what I was doing. I miss him opening up his fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant and reading "Help me! I'm stuck inside a fortune cookie factory" I miss him being so practical and making our (extremely petty) problems seem so simple to fix. He always advocated love in such a simple way. He seemed always to know what was the right thing to do and it always was. He didn't drive a lot the past two years. I really really want to remember what it was like when he'd come home from work at 5 and sit down to dinner with us. I was away at college this year so I missed that this year. I just miss his wonderful brown hair. I hated to see him so distressed and so worried all the time. I wish I hadn't been so worried. This is the worst that can happen to him and it happened. I guess there really wasn't any reason to worry.

This is the part where I vent in a very minor way, so please don't take offense. I wish people knew what to say. I wish people could remember. I wish they knew that taking me to coffee once or sending a text that says "hope you're doing well" doesn't help. I wish they knew that I wanted to be called, it doesn't help to say "call me if you need anything" I probably won't call. My heart is broken and I hate getting out of bed in the morning when I know my dad isn't here. I really don't want to go out of my way to call my friends who are out having fun in the sun: biking, climbing, working, slack lining, swimming, etc. I don't want to interrupt you and bring you into my dark room to cry with me. I want you to choose to do that. My friend Jordan, she texts me once in a while and asks me how I am. She texts me for as long as I need and I usually tell her the same things over and over again. All she has to do is listen. She doesn't send me her thoughts and prayers, she just gives me time. I appreciate that so so much. She doesn't give me limited time saying she needs to go but "I hope you feel better!" She just texts back, (or talks back when she calls). I need that. I know she cares.

Sorry if that section annoys you to pieces but I really needed to get that off my chest. I'm not angry just really really broken, and I could use some hugs.



Alright vent session over.
Maddi

Yeah.. I've got hope in the Lord.

I decided to read through the Bible this summer. I came across Exodus 14:14- The Lord will fight for you. You only need to be still. I really love that. That makes me feel so safe.

So I suppose it's time I share my experience in hospice before Dad died. It was really cool, and I think I had ignored it for so long because I didn't want to admit that God was actually there with me.

As a background story, my mom and dad have always been "great" people. They don't cuss, they don't excessively drink, they never fight, they believe in saving yourself for marriage, etc. We were always mistaken for a mormon family when all of us kids were younger.They weren't raised in a church family but somehow they stuck to their morals and found each other. While we were growing up we were Creasters (Church on x-mas and Easter). I specifically remember that in 7th grade I like a boy who was a Christian. Alison had started becoming interested in church, also. So my desire to go to church combined with Alison's got us all to go. 

Mom and Dad always did believe in God. But I know their desire to go to Church (is that supposed to be capitalized?) was because Timberline has such hilarious pastors and they agreed with everything that the church taught. They always talked about how great the service was and how they loved the family values Timberline taught (teaches). 

For me, as a growing Christian who needed guidance and support, I didn't consider my parents the kind of Christians that I wished they were. I wanted to see my parents wake up early and have quiet times, and I always told God that my one true wish was to see my daddy raise his hands to worship God. I wanted them to turn me to scripture when I had problems, but I was also a teenager so I never told them my problems haha. 

So, here we come to this dilemma. I want so desperately to believe that my dad is in heaven. I think that deep down-- I know he is, but I can't seem to stop worrying. Romans 10:9-10 “…because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.” 

While we were in hospice I asked my mom if dad really did believe that Jesus died for our sins and was raised from the dead. She, without any hesitation, plainly said, "oh yeah." She said, "He was always the one who wanted to go to church in the mornings." I remember when Alison and Rachel were with him once and they said, "Dad are you talking to God? Squeeze our hands if you are." And he squeezed. We are pretty sure he was seeing angels in the hospital room because he kept looking up at the corners and pointing at things we couldn't see. 

Here is the part where God really comes into the picture (for my story personally): I was praying and praying constantly for God to save him. I prayed for healing, but my prime words were "save him".  I had every intention of healing but I think God understood my prayer as save his soul...and as always God was right because ultimately that's what I would prefer (If I had to pick). SO, while I was desperately praying that week I came across SOO many verses that talked about God saving his people from death. On the surface I was like,"Oh yes, the Lord will SO save my dad. He's leading me to these verses." Deep in my heart, however, I knew that isn't what God meant. He meant that he would save his people from eternal death. Our lives right now aren't really real living. Not the way God wants us to live. God was concerned about my dad's soul more that my dad's life here. 

My dad did confess with his mouth. He told my mom that he believed in Jesus. He was baptized because in the hospital I asked my mom if she and dad accepted Jesus into their hearts as the Lord and Savoir? And she did, and she knew he did. He was baptized. Also, he was out of it for about a week and a half, pretty sure that's enough time for God to have a chat with someone.

The thing that I struggled the most with after he died was my disappointment in the Scriptures. I read so many verses telling me that if you ask for something, with prayer and petition, if it's in God's will, you believe in your heart you will recieve it, etc. then it will be granted to you. So after dad died naturally I was like, cool the Bible is a load of crap! Everything I believed in was a lie. I believed this for a while, but it wasn't until I started questioning my dad's place in the afterlife I really started to notice things. I re- read those verses, and I understood their true meaning. I heard two stories on two different podcasts in the same day about people who realized that God DID answer their prayers. You see, they had been praying for their loved ones to make it through their illness and they had been praying for God to save them... just like me. They both realized in their letters that God DID save their loved ones. Just not in the way they had hoped for, but in an even better way. I really think God is trying to tell me that He reached my dad in the hospital. I think that because of my prayers, and my family's prayers, and my friends prayers, and your prayers, that God did answer us. He said yes, but we just didn't understand how. 

I think my dad is in heaven. I don't have it written by God in plain sight, but I just have to have faith. 

Thanks for reading...that's what God has been showing me lately. I still get nervous sometimes and don't worry I know 1 Thessalonians 4:13 -Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.

If this is what the Lord is telling me, then I do not grieve like the rest of man kind. I miss the man that raised me, but I have hope that I will see him again. Miss you Dad, and I love both my Father's in Heaven.