The dead can live on

I hope my dad has been looking at God's face for the past year and a half. I hope he hasn't been able to take his eyes off of our Lord. How could you? I hope he isn't "looking down on us". I don't want him to see our pain. I don't want him to see our world. He is finally at peace, and I hope he is captivated by Jesus. 

Our euphemisms are stupid. I love that God is honest. 

I don't really know exactly what the Bible means when it talks about what happens immediately when we die. Maybe you understand, but I haven't really comprehended that yet. Maybe my dad is at rest until we all join, or maybe he has already experienced judgement. Maybe he's standing outside the gates of heaven. I don't know. I don't really pretend to know either. To me it isn't comforting to know that maybe he "visited me" in a dream last night. I just want to know what's true. 

I do know that his memories are true. I am so thankful for them right now. With memories, your reltionship with someone who has died lives on. I can still think of my dad when the funny SNL skit comes on. My immediate reaction is to tell him, and I really really wish I could. I can still think of what he would say and laugh about it. It's the missing him, that emptiness, that really feels so rich. The pain and loss has turned into a deep hunger. It's not a bad thing. 

I miss him. I wish he could be at my wedding. Not just to perform the fatherly duties, but just as my friend. My loved one who I want to share the day with. I love him and I hate that he can't be there. But, I want to celebrate his memories. Because no matter where is soul is right now, his memories connect me to him. I can create more memories with him, I love that. I already have so many ideas about how I can bring him to my wedding. His laughter, his humor, his love for my family. I don't think our wedding will be void of tears and laughter and richness. I look forward to that. I wish my dad were still physically a part of my life, but I wouldn't change my newfound depth and richness in life for anything. 

God has gifted me with living. Really living. And I credit my dads life and death for that.