I am so afriad of the people I love dying, that I forget to think about my own mortality. I worry so much about the next time I will have to go through this and miss someone else, that I forget that I too can die. It is of course perhaps more worrisome to think about being on earth living through life without a person I love. It's much more practical for me to be upset about another death of a loved one because I know so well what it's like, and I learned much but I don't want to know it again. It's much more difficult to remember or think about my own death because I have only ever been alive, so naturally I feel immortal. When I do think about my own dying, I get very lonely. I understand why people worry about being forgotten. I feel so scared that my loved ones will hurt like I hurt when my dad died. I am sad to think that I wouldn't be on this earth anymore, which is all I've ever known. I don't like to think about my own death one day because I just don't think I can die.
Tonight I allowed my thoughts to dwell on my mortality and the possibility that God could take me at any time. He is a good God and I usually know that He has loving plans. I cried a lot. I cried about things that may not ever happen to me. Somewhere in all my worrying and sadness God redirected my focus on my life. I don't know what He did, but I instantly had a change in mind. Life became a little more fragile to me, like glass. Having a wedding isn't a necessity or even a rite of passage as a human being, it's just something I can enjoy. Maintaining my friendships isn't a necessity or an obligation in life, it's just something I can enjoy. And for the sake of my own story, having an awesome college experience is not a necessity for a good life, but those who get to have one get to really enjoy that. And thank God for that. Somehow life in a general sense became a little less stressful and a little more peaceful.
I want to stop trying to conquer my life, and just enjoy it.
I am mortal and life is delicate.
Ecclesiastes 11:8-10
"However many years anyone may live, let them enjoy them all. But let them remember days of darkness for there will be many. Everything to come is meaningless.
You who are young, be happy while you are young and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement.
So then, banish anxiety from your heart and caset of the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless."
This is probably a depressing idea to some, but to me it was just the breath of fresh air that I needed from God.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
.my obsessive search for meaning.
I have been trying so hard to find some benefit to all of this. I am storing this experience up, taking everything in. I have indeed taken seriously the phrase "that which doens't kill you makes you stronger." I've grieved like a pro. [or so you think from the outside] I have squeezed life lessons out of my dads death like I was wringing out a wet towel.
Grief is like a dear friend to me, having taught me deep valuable lessons. I have studied it, and attacked it head on. I have gotten many many comments about my strength, only reinforcing my need to look strong. I have studied as many angles of grief as one can when in the midst of it. My mental constructs are all perfectly organized with compartments and labels which I make sure to shine every once in a while for when I will need to whip out some brilliant personal experience that someone else might benefit from.
Yes, I have listened. God sure will use this in the future.
I realized this: It didn't kill me, I am stronger. God will use this for good. So what now...
I fill my life with organized technicalities so that I won't have to just give my heart to God. I have put forth so much effort to gain benefits and rewards from this experience (benefits and rewards from both the eyes of the Christian community and secular community, who's not up for some strength and goodness?). I study, I read, Job is like my best friend, I get my necessary crying in in order to have a healthy grief experience, I talk openly about it, I listen to others, but the very last thing I want to do, the very thing I work SO hard to avoid, is just crying to God. Literally. I will do anything else before that.
Because yes, I am stronger. Yes, people will and have already benfitted from this experience. These are examples of rewards that aren't what grief is about at all. We so desperately try to search for meaning in grief, and now that I've squeezed as much meaning out as I can within these limits of time, I find that it is so empty. And the only meaning that can shine through this grief experience is just Jesus. There is no answer from him but I love you. There is no answer. I don't want an answer and I never did. But I don't want to spend time with him because then my deepest darkest fear stands right before me and I have to look at it: I miss my dad, and he isn't coming home, and there is nothing I can do about it, and to its core there is nothing good about that. No further meaning. Nothing. God in his grace can make beauty out of terrible experience, but as much meaning as we try so hard to see, there is none but God.
God did not answer Job. He only promises us his presence in grief and I fear that. It is too powerful for me. I want to stick with my organization and studying to make my own meaning. I cannot face the Lord with my deepest heartwrenching ache. When I come to this realization, I learn that I have not made much of a dent in my heartache. I have only masked it with my passion for learning and the human mind. I have only masked my ache with the thought of helping someone in the future, or the thought of using this expereince to make me stronger. I have done great with that. But actually grieving, I might have put in a few hours.
I think God probably should be in charge of our story changing lives in the future. It is after all His story. I think God probably should be in charge of my strength and my well being.
I fear really letting him in because I fear the deep pain that losing my dad has caused, and I just don't want to feel it. I don't really need meaning as much as I think I did. It was just a coping mechanism. But I realized today for the first time that all my coping mechanisms have run their course and I felt so very empty. So I hope I will start to choose ACUTALLY Jesus, rather than trying to improve His kingdom on my own.
It just simply sucks. And God has been waiting patiently for me to see that all along. It's not about the meaning at all. He's not looking for that. He's just looking at my heart. He knows absolutely nothing will satisfy my desire for meaning. There is nothing He could say to make me content with my dad being gone. Nothing.
And He has never tried to give me an answer, for the first time I am starting to see that as really kind.
Grief is like a dear friend to me, having taught me deep valuable lessons. I have studied it, and attacked it head on. I have gotten many many comments about my strength, only reinforcing my need to look strong. I have studied as many angles of grief as one can when in the midst of it. My mental constructs are all perfectly organized with compartments and labels which I make sure to shine every once in a while for when I will need to whip out some brilliant personal experience that someone else might benefit from.
Yes, I have listened. God sure will use this in the future.
I realized this: It didn't kill me, I am stronger. God will use this for good. So what now...
I fill my life with organized technicalities so that I won't have to just give my heart to God. I have put forth so much effort to gain benefits and rewards from this experience (benefits and rewards from both the eyes of the Christian community and secular community, who's not up for some strength and goodness?). I study, I read, Job is like my best friend, I get my necessary crying in in order to have a healthy grief experience, I talk openly about it, I listen to others, but the very last thing I want to do, the very thing I work SO hard to avoid, is just crying to God. Literally. I will do anything else before that.
Because yes, I am stronger. Yes, people will and have already benfitted from this experience. These are examples of rewards that aren't what grief is about at all. We so desperately try to search for meaning in grief, and now that I've squeezed as much meaning out as I can within these limits of time, I find that it is so empty. And the only meaning that can shine through this grief experience is just Jesus. There is no answer from him but I love you. There is no answer. I don't want an answer and I never did. But I don't want to spend time with him because then my deepest darkest fear stands right before me and I have to look at it: I miss my dad, and he isn't coming home, and there is nothing I can do about it, and to its core there is nothing good about that. No further meaning. Nothing. God in his grace can make beauty out of terrible experience, but as much meaning as we try so hard to see, there is none but God.
God did not answer Job. He only promises us his presence in grief and I fear that. It is too powerful for me. I want to stick with my organization and studying to make my own meaning. I cannot face the Lord with my deepest heartwrenching ache. When I come to this realization, I learn that I have not made much of a dent in my heartache. I have only masked it with my passion for learning and the human mind. I have only masked my ache with the thought of helping someone in the future, or the thought of using this expereince to make me stronger. I have done great with that. But actually grieving, I might have put in a few hours.
I think God probably should be in charge of our story changing lives in the future. It is after all His story. I think God probably should be in charge of my strength and my well being.
I fear really letting him in because I fear the deep pain that losing my dad has caused, and I just don't want to feel it. I don't really need meaning as much as I think I did. It was just a coping mechanism. But I realized today for the first time that all my coping mechanisms have run their course and I felt so very empty. So I hope I will start to choose ACUTALLY Jesus, rather than trying to improve His kingdom on my own.
It just simply sucks. And God has been waiting patiently for me to see that all along. It's not about the meaning at all. He's not looking for that. He's just looking at my heart. He knows absolutely nothing will satisfy my desire for meaning. There is nothing He could say to make me content with my dad being gone. Nothing.
And He has never tried to give me an answer, for the first time I am starting to see that as really kind.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The dead can live on
I hope my dad has been looking at God's face for the past year and a half. I hope he hasn't been able to take his eyes off of our Lord. How could you? I hope he isn't "looking down on us". I don't want him to see our pain. I don't want him to see our world. He is finally at peace, and I hope he is captivated by Jesus.
Our euphemisms are stupid. I love that God is honest.
I don't really know exactly what the Bible means when it talks about what happens immediately when we die. Maybe you understand, but I haven't really comprehended that yet. Maybe my dad is at rest until we all join, or maybe he has already experienced judgement. Maybe he's standing outside the gates of heaven. I don't know. I don't really pretend to know either. To me it isn't comforting to know that maybe he "visited me" in a dream last night. I just want to know what's true.
I do know that his memories are true. I am so thankful for them right now. With memories, your reltionship with someone who has died lives on. I can still think of my dad when the funny SNL skit comes on. My immediate reaction is to tell him, and I really really wish I could. I can still think of what he would say and laugh about it. It's the missing him, that emptiness, that really feels so rich. The pain and loss has turned into a deep hunger. It's not a bad thing.
I miss him. I wish he could be at my wedding. Not just to perform the fatherly duties, but just as my friend. My loved one who I want to share the day with. I love him and I hate that he can't be there. But, I want to celebrate his memories. Because no matter where is soul is right now, his memories connect me to him. I can create more memories with him, I love that. I already have so many ideas about how I can bring him to my wedding. His laughter, his humor, his love for my family. I don't think our wedding will be void of tears and laughter and richness. I look forward to that. I wish my dad were still physically a part of my life, but I wouldn't change my newfound depth and richness in life for anything.
God has gifted me with living. Really living. And I credit my dads life and death for that.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
how to help a grieving friend based on my experiences
Hi friends, I am writing this post because I feel that it has been long enough that I can share some of my wisdom in grief and loss. I am a very thoughtful person and have really meditated on my thoughts and feelings in the past few years. So please take what I say to heart, and if you have your own ideas please comment!
Grief is scary and uncomfortable. Watching someone cry can be so awkward and no one knows what to say to the person who just lost a loved one. What do you say.
Here are a few tips on how to help a friend through grief and loss:
1) Silence.
2) Silence. This is the most important point. When in doubt be silent. They need to talk, you listen. They need to cry, you listen, or cry, or hold them. They need to sit and stare at the wall, you sit with them. You are doing more good for them with your silent presence then you are letting them be alone. You can do a lot of damage with your words. Let silence be your strength. It is not wrong to speak, but that is not what they need.
3) Share their sadness. If you are effected by this, don't be afriad to talk about it with them. It can be the most comforting thing for a grieving person to know that you are sad too. The refreshment I felt from crying with my friends over it could only be explained as "mourn with those who mourn" and "carry each other's burdens"
4) Be specific in your offers. It is not effective to text or call saying, "If you need ANYTHING, Just let me know" They probably won't ask. Be specific. Ask if they need laundry done or dinner made. Ask if they need to take a nap and you can take the kids to a movie. Ask if they want you to go grocery shopping for them. It can be hard for the bereaved to accept those offers sometimes, but it gets easier to accept help so don't be discouraged if you are turned down at first.
5) Ask them about their reason for grieving. For me, I want to talk about my dad. All I want sometimes is for people to ask what my dad's favorite color is. I will talk about my dad in conversations because I just want to talk about him. Sometimes people get really uncomfortable which makes me sad, because I love my dad and I want to remember him. It makes me sad that sometimes even talking about my beloved dad is taboo because death is taboo.
6) Know that grief is not contagious. Don't avoid the grieving person because you may fear depth of conversation, pain, or your own future. This is very obvious in the grieving process and one of the most painful things can be alienation because of grief.
7) Be humble. You don't need to be strong, you don't need to be wise, you don't need to know what to say. Even if you've been through something similar, it is not your story and it is not the same. Silence and listening come from humility. Know that Jesus is in control and we never are.
8) You can't fix it. The blind can't lead the blind, the broken can't fix the broken. Don't try to fix anything. It seems obvious, right? But when the times comes it isn't so obvious. A teenage girl who is losing her hair to chemo does not want to hear, "But you know what? You can still wear a wig!" No, she wants to grow her own hair. Trying to fix things just makes the grieving person hide their true emotions from everyone else. Let Jesus be the one in charge.
7) Your job is to be a friend. If you want to know how to really bother a grieving person, just read Job. His friends talked a lot and made excuses and reasons as to why this was happening. Just be a friend. The best way you can be a friend is to sit and listen, share in their sadness, offer specific help, be humble, and not be afraid of grief. Love this person. This is their story and you get to walk alongside of them. Jesus tells us to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. He came to give us abundant life and grieving can ironically be one of the most life giving times. So share that!
Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.
These are ideas that I have learned over the past few years and they are also ideas that I forget all the time. If someone I know is grieving my first reaction is that I don't know what to say! Don't stress over the situation because Jesus is in control, and you are not. So don't be the savior, just be a friend. Chances are if you are reading this, you are already a great friend to those who are in need.
With that I just want to say thank you to some of my friends who may not have known what to say, but were the greatest friends in my time of need. I specifically remember the ways you have loved me and I will not forget.
Thank you.
Jake, Jordan, Taylor, Jenessa, Kate, Amy, The Jordan Family, Hope, Jenica, Katie S., Rachel R.
Grief is scary and uncomfortable. Watching someone cry can be so awkward and no one knows what to say to the person who just lost a loved one. What do you say.
Here are a few tips on how to help a friend through grief and loss:
1) Silence.
2) Silence. This is the most important point. When in doubt be silent. They need to talk, you listen. They need to cry, you listen, or cry, or hold them. They need to sit and stare at the wall, you sit with them. You are doing more good for them with your silent presence then you are letting them be alone. You can do a lot of damage with your words. Let silence be your strength. It is not wrong to speak, but that is not what they need.
3) Share their sadness. If you are effected by this, don't be afriad to talk about it with them. It can be the most comforting thing for a grieving person to know that you are sad too. The refreshment I felt from crying with my friends over it could only be explained as "mourn with those who mourn" and "carry each other's burdens"
4) Be specific in your offers. It is not effective to text or call saying, "If you need ANYTHING, Just let me know" They probably won't ask. Be specific. Ask if they need laundry done or dinner made. Ask if they need to take a nap and you can take the kids to a movie. Ask if they want you to go grocery shopping for them. It can be hard for the bereaved to accept those offers sometimes, but it gets easier to accept help so don't be discouraged if you are turned down at first.
5) Ask them about their reason for grieving. For me, I want to talk about my dad. All I want sometimes is for people to ask what my dad's favorite color is. I will talk about my dad in conversations because I just want to talk about him. Sometimes people get really uncomfortable which makes me sad, because I love my dad and I want to remember him. It makes me sad that sometimes even talking about my beloved dad is taboo because death is taboo.
6) Know that grief is not contagious. Don't avoid the grieving person because you may fear depth of conversation, pain, or your own future. This is very obvious in the grieving process and one of the most painful things can be alienation because of grief.
7) Be humble. You don't need to be strong, you don't need to be wise, you don't need to know what to say. Even if you've been through something similar, it is not your story and it is not the same. Silence and listening come from humility. Know that Jesus is in control and we never are.
8) You can't fix it. The blind can't lead the blind, the broken can't fix the broken. Don't try to fix anything. It seems obvious, right? But when the times comes it isn't so obvious. A teenage girl who is losing her hair to chemo does not want to hear, "But you know what? You can still wear a wig!" No, she wants to grow her own hair. Trying to fix things just makes the grieving person hide their true emotions from everyone else. Let Jesus be the one in charge.
7) Your job is to be a friend. If you want to know how to really bother a grieving person, just read Job. His friends talked a lot and made excuses and reasons as to why this was happening. Just be a friend. The best way you can be a friend is to sit and listen, share in their sadness, offer specific help, be humble, and not be afraid of grief. Love this person. This is their story and you get to walk alongside of them. Jesus tells us to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. He came to give us abundant life and grieving can ironically be one of the most life giving times. So share that!
Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.
These are ideas that I have learned over the past few years and they are also ideas that I forget all the time. If someone I know is grieving my first reaction is that I don't know what to say! Don't stress over the situation because Jesus is in control, and you are not. So don't be the savior, just be a friend. Chances are if you are reading this, you are already a great friend to those who are in need.
With that I just want to say thank you to some of my friends who may not have known what to say, but were the greatest friends in my time of need. I specifically remember the ways you have loved me and I will not forget.
Thank you.
Jake, Jordan, Taylor, Jenessa, Kate, Amy, The Jordan Family, Hope, Jenica, Katie S., Rachel R.
Monday, April 23, 2012
{.:---:.}
I've never realized how big a price we must pay in order to really be close to God. He will always be there, pursuing us, etc. But for me to know Him takes so much effort, and here's what I mean:
Knowing God is so incredibly simple. I need to abandon my own rights to my life.
For example: when my boss makes me mad, I feel the need to ignore him or make a sarcastic
comment. When I'm hurting one day and I'm at work, I am compelled to rent people gear without
looking them in the eyes or giving them any sense of love. When I am heavy burdened, I want
to ignore people and tuck myself away in my house in front of the TV.
But I can't. Because when I do, I take a step closer to my carnal self. I walk closer to my selfish nature. The nature that is so delicious and exhilarating and ignorant. It is so easy, and not just easy but urgent and gripping. It's not just urgent and gripping, but so comforting. It's comforting because I guard my mind from anything that challenges my sin.
-I was rude to him because he made me stay late. He's always annoying anyways and he needs everything to be perfect. The carpets look fine.
No, I was rude because I was lazy and didn't want to vacuum. Vaccuuming is in my job description and I stayed late because I didn't do it earlier.
But who wouldn't agree with me? If I vented about my boss to anyone with those words, I would only get conforming responses, with some sympathy thrown in. Yeah, he's a terrible boss, I heard he's not even a good climber. Ahhh, now I feel better.
These occurances are so common in our lives that we don't even notice it. They are second nature to Christians and non-believers alike. But from my recent experiences with God, these are the tiny details of our lives that impact our relationship with God the most. Each time I choose to exercise my laziness, my rude thoughts, my ability to gossip, etc. I walk away from God a little more. But the thing is, I'm starting to notice this so much in my life that I can actually feel it. I can feel me removing myself from God. He is very much 'there' because he is faithful, but these are the choices that clog my spirit. These choices that clog my spirit don't allow me to feel God's Holy Spirit, which is very real.
From my experience, this is what happens next. We feel guilty. We miss God. We get together and talk about how we just wish God could be our life rather than just a part of our lives. We want to show the love of Christ to our friends and co-workers, but how?
Well here are some ideas I've come up with.
1. Let's take the plank out of our own eyes and choose to see ourselves the way God sees us. Redeemed, but in need of Him everyday. Our friends aren't the only ones in need of saving. Sancitfication needs its tender love and care.
2. Read the Bible. Not because "God will be mad if you don't have a quiet time". Because we desperately need it, seriously.
3. Pray. There are probably so many reasons Jesus may want us to pray, but somewhere within those words, our hearts change and God is pleased.
4. And the one that has caught my attention the most lately, ask God to teach you how to love Him. I don't know how to love God. I sure don't know how to love His sheep. Since those are the most important commandments, let's learn.
Knowing God is so simple. However, knowing God is so complicated for us because we have give up what we know so dearly. Hopefully I can start to challenge my sin through these gracious gifts God has given me: scripture and prayer. I want to start taking it more seriously and I know I will fail that (knowledge from previous experiences) but God is gracious and faithful and I bet that He will help.
Knowing God is so incredibly simple. I need to abandon my own rights to my life.
For example: when my boss makes me mad, I feel the need to ignore him or make a sarcastic
comment. When I'm hurting one day and I'm at work, I am compelled to rent people gear without
looking them in the eyes or giving them any sense of love. When I am heavy burdened, I want
to ignore people and tuck myself away in my house in front of the TV.
But I can't. Because when I do, I take a step closer to my carnal self. I walk closer to my selfish nature. The nature that is so delicious and exhilarating and ignorant. It is so easy, and not just easy but urgent and gripping. It's not just urgent and gripping, but so comforting. It's comforting because I guard my mind from anything that challenges my sin.
-I was rude to him because he made me stay late. He's always annoying anyways and he needs everything to be perfect. The carpets look fine.
No, I was rude because I was lazy and didn't want to vacuum. Vaccuuming is in my job description and I stayed late because I didn't do it earlier.
But who wouldn't agree with me? If I vented about my boss to anyone with those words, I would only get conforming responses, with some sympathy thrown in. Yeah, he's a terrible boss, I heard he's not even a good climber. Ahhh, now I feel better.
These occurances are so common in our lives that we don't even notice it. They are second nature to Christians and non-believers alike. But from my recent experiences with God, these are the tiny details of our lives that impact our relationship with God the most. Each time I choose to exercise my laziness, my rude thoughts, my ability to gossip, etc. I walk away from God a little more. But the thing is, I'm starting to notice this so much in my life that I can actually feel it. I can feel me removing myself from God. He is very much 'there' because he is faithful, but these are the choices that clog my spirit. These choices that clog my spirit don't allow me to feel God's Holy Spirit, which is very real.
From my experience, this is what happens next. We feel guilty. We miss God. We get together and talk about how we just wish God could be our life rather than just a part of our lives. We want to show the love of Christ to our friends and co-workers, but how?
Well here are some ideas I've come up with.
1. Let's take the plank out of our own eyes and choose to see ourselves the way God sees us. Redeemed, but in need of Him everyday. Our friends aren't the only ones in need of saving. Sancitfication needs its tender love and care.
2. Read the Bible. Not because "God will be mad if you don't have a quiet time". Because we desperately need it, seriously.
3. Pray. There are probably so many reasons Jesus may want us to pray, but somewhere within those words, our hearts change and God is pleased.
4. And the one that has caught my attention the most lately, ask God to teach you how to love Him. I don't know how to love God. I sure don't know how to love His sheep. Since those are the most important commandments, let's learn.
Knowing God is so simple. However, knowing God is so complicated for us because we have give up what we know so dearly. Hopefully I can start to challenge my sin through these gracious gifts God has given me: scripture and prayer. I want to start taking it more seriously and I know I will fail that (knowledge from previous experiences) but God is gracious and faithful and I bet that He will help.
Friday, April 6, 2012
One Year Later
I look back on this day last year and remember my disbelief. Mom called me and told me you died and I never cried. I didn't cry because I didn't really know what it would be like without you. I didn't know because you'd been there my whole life loving me and raising me. I did know it was the first day of my new life.
There were changes that we had to make that I didn't like. I didn't like going around without a man with us. We knew people in public would assume you were a bad father and you left us when we were young, but you weren't and you didn't. We knew it looked like you'd left mom to be a single mother and we hated that, because you were the best. We didn't like asking for five seats instead of six at restaurant tables. I hated leaving you out when I had to fill out emergency contacts. Sometimes I still wrote you in. But mom said I could get in trouble for that.
Summer was hard because I felt alone. I didn't know another college student going through something like this. I didn't like how I felt. I felt so angry at people because I wanted people to care, but I also had to remember they had their own lives. This year is when I learned how to love man but not put your trust in man, and God knows that lesson better than I. I did have some good friends though, and you know who you are because you have sat and cried with me when I needed it most.
Going back to Boise was not great to put it lightly, but there I learned the beauty of solitude. I loved Boise, but when things change it's just not the same. I couldn't be there like I was before. Though I had to say goodbye to some dear friends, moving home was the best decision I've ever made.
And coming to CSU. Much like the awkward ''how are you's?" at the beginning of the year, came to infamous "how do you like CSU?" A harmless question but aggrivating nonetheless. I'll clear this question up with -our culture's taboo- pessimism: CSU is fine. But I don't like college. I know. I should go on tour with the circus. A college student? Not being absolutely, over the top, crazy in love with the best years of my life, oh em gee, college? No. I don't like college. Sorry, if you want the answer you're looking for ask (something offensive that I won't post on my blog but it would make most of you laugh, I'm sure). And enough venting for the year. Just had to throw that in there because I'm naturally passive aggresive and won't say something like this to a nice person's face.
I did love this year for some reasons too. I love how much we love each other now. I spend so much time with my family and we have all gotten so much closer. I love how much I love my dad. I loved you before, but now I get to see you as perfect. I forget your flaws and I long to see you again. I don't remember loving someone this much before you died. And I hate to say it but I don't think my love for you would be quite the same if things were normal like they had been all our lives. Things change and I think I knew what a great dad I had, but I just don't think you can fully desire something when it's in your grasp. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just know that I've never loved someone so much as I do now, and I cry without fail when I think of the day that you'll greet me at the Gates. I'll get to see you again! And we'll be more real than I am now. I'll get to see you again, big smile and think hair. That's the beauty in Jesus.
My favorite part of this year is how much more I know God. What a perfect way to end the first year. The first anniversary being on Good Friday. So much symbolism goes into that and it's one of those things God does for you where you just freaking can't understand how He thought of something SO PERFECT. It's just beautiful to me. I think back to this day last year when my dad died, and 2000 years ago when my God died. But the only miracle and the only hope that matters is that He was raised on Sunday so that my dad could be raised with Him, and so that all who believe in Him can be raised with Him. That is radical. As most of you know I was praying for a miracle last year, but God gently showed me that He performed a miracle that is the only one that matters. I would have loved for 40 more years with my dad, but he would have died everntually just like me. God showed me how much HE matters to our lives. Thank God. He stays true to His word. He LOVES the orphan and the widow, and he provides for them. He is near to the brokenhearted and when I am weak He is strong. Therefore I will boast all the more in my weaknesses. I'm a ragamuffin, I'm fatherless, I'm broken, and I will recieve your amazing grace because I am in desperate need.
Dad I love you. Father, I love you. This next year, take care of my brother more than anyone. I know you've got big plans for him.
There were changes that we had to make that I didn't like. I didn't like going around without a man with us. We knew people in public would assume you were a bad father and you left us when we were young, but you weren't and you didn't. We knew it looked like you'd left mom to be a single mother and we hated that, because you were the best. We didn't like asking for five seats instead of six at restaurant tables. I hated leaving you out when I had to fill out emergency contacts. Sometimes I still wrote you in. But mom said I could get in trouble for that.
Summer was hard because I felt alone. I didn't know another college student going through something like this. I didn't like how I felt. I felt so angry at people because I wanted people to care, but I also had to remember they had their own lives. This year is when I learned how to love man but not put your trust in man, and God knows that lesson better than I. I did have some good friends though, and you know who you are because you have sat and cried with me when I needed it most.
Going back to Boise was not great to put it lightly, but there I learned the beauty of solitude. I loved Boise, but when things change it's just not the same. I couldn't be there like I was before. Though I had to say goodbye to some dear friends, moving home was the best decision I've ever made.
And coming to CSU. Much like the awkward ''how are you's?" at the beginning of the year, came to infamous "how do you like CSU?" A harmless question but aggrivating nonetheless. I'll clear this question up with -our culture's taboo- pessimism: CSU is fine. But I don't like college. I know. I should go on tour with the circus. A college student? Not being absolutely, over the top, crazy in love with the best years of my life, oh em gee, college? No. I don't like college. Sorry, if you want the answer you're looking for ask (something offensive that I won't post on my blog but it would make most of you laugh, I'm sure). And enough venting for the year. Just had to throw that in there because I'm naturally passive aggresive and won't say something like this to a nice person's face.
I did love this year for some reasons too. I love how much we love each other now. I spend so much time with my family and we have all gotten so much closer. I love how much I love my dad. I loved you before, but now I get to see you as perfect. I forget your flaws and I long to see you again. I don't remember loving someone this much before you died. And I hate to say it but I don't think my love for you would be quite the same if things were normal like they had been all our lives. Things change and I think I knew what a great dad I had, but I just don't think you can fully desire something when it's in your grasp. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just know that I've never loved someone so much as I do now, and I cry without fail when I think of the day that you'll greet me at the Gates. I'll get to see you again! And we'll be more real than I am now. I'll get to see you again, big smile and think hair. That's the beauty in Jesus.
My favorite part of this year is how much more I know God. What a perfect way to end the first year. The first anniversary being on Good Friday. So much symbolism goes into that and it's one of those things God does for you where you just freaking can't understand how He thought of something SO PERFECT. It's just beautiful to me. I think back to this day last year when my dad died, and 2000 years ago when my God died. But the only miracle and the only hope that matters is that He was raised on Sunday so that my dad could be raised with Him, and so that all who believe in Him can be raised with Him. That is radical. As most of you know I was praying for a miracle last year, but God gently showed me that He performed a miracle that is the only one that matters. I would have loved for 40 more years with my dad, but he would have died everntually just like me. God showed me how much HE matters to our lives. Thank God. He stays true to His word. He LOVES the orphan and the widow, and he provides for them. He is near to the brokenhearted and when I am weak He is strong. Therefore I will boast all the more in my weaknesses. I'm a ragamuffin, I'm fatherless, I'm broken, and I will recieve your amazing grace because I am in desperate need.
Dad I love you. Father, I love you. This next year, take care of my brother more than anyone. I know you've got big plans for him.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I wrote this yesterday, but I have no internet at my house.
Today it’s been a year since I’ve talked to you and heard you speak to me. I was about to leave for the DR on my mission’s trip and I called mom to say goodbye. I wanted to say bye to you too. You had been pretty sick for a week or so, so you couldn’t talk very well. But I heard you still. The last thing you ever said to me was, “I love you sweetie.” You mumbled it but I heard you. Mom got back on the phone and asked if I heard you and I said I had. I told mom to make sure you knew I heard you and that I loved you so much too. Then I went off to the DR. That was the last time you ever spoke to me. The next time I saw you, you were in the hospital and barely conscious. But I know you heard me and I told you how much I love you and that I knew you loved me too. I still know that you love me. And I love you too.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I love you Jake
Jake,
I know you check my blog all the time so I want to tell you and anyone else who reads this how much I love you. I have never in my life had a better friend than you. I've never felt so loved and cherished, and it's every single day. Losing my dad has shaken my world up, maybe even more lately. You have shown me the love of Christ like no one else. You've stayed up late, drove long ways, bought me dinner, sat patiently by me side, texted me back, listened and talked, and just loved me throughout this year. I needed a friend, and Jesus gave me such a good one. All I can say is, I love you. You are the most honorable person I know and not because you are perfect. You know what a sinner you are, and you know you desperately need Jesus. You live out your faith everyday in so many ways, but so deeply in the way you have loved me this year. I've seen your sacrifice and dedication. I loved you before babe, but God makes you so much more attractive.
I never could have imagined God would work out such an incredible love story like he has. Who knew 6 years later we would be "completely different but exactly the same" and even more in love than the first round. We owe it all to Jesus who never gives up on us even though we never seemed to get it right, and we still don't know what the heck we're doing.
Thanks for being my friend.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
---
My daddy didn't lose a battle to cancer. He never lost. He'd beat you at anything. Who could choose to live on earth when they saw a glimpse of Heaven and when angels are gently leading you to God's arms? He didn't lose any battle, Dad chose what was better and it will not be taken from Him.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Life's not fair.
If there is anything about this life I have learned, it is that it's not fair.
In what world do we deserve death, only to have our King die for us?
Before I was born, before I had consciousness, I was given the chance to truly live in a dead and fallen world where I am the culprit.
I can't think of anything more unfair than that.
Thank God.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My Story by His Words
[Father, I say:]
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Psalm 119:28
They dress the wound of my people
as though it were not serious.
“Peace, peace,” they say,
when there is no peace.
Jeremiah 8:11
[He says to them:]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.
Isaiah 1:17b
[there is:]
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Ecclesiastes 3:3-4
[He says to me:]
Stop trusting in mere humans,
who have but a breath in their nostrils.
Why hold them in esteem?
Isaiah 2:22
So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who relies on it
will never be stricken with panic.
Isaiah 28:16
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Exodus 14:14
Zion will be delivered with justice,
her penitent ones with righteousness.
Isaiah 1:27
[because:]
The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though [I] may stumble, [I] will not fall,
for the LORD upholds [me] with his hand.
Psalm 37:23-24
For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Psalm 37:28
[My comment to the Lord:]
I will give thanks for you answered me
you have become my salvation
Psalm 118:21
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Psalm 119:28
They dress the wound of my people
as though it were not serious.
“Peace, peace,” they say,
when there is no peace.
Jeremiah 8:11
[He says to them:]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.
Isaiah 1:17b
[there is:]
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Ecclesiastes 3:3-4
[He says to me:]
Stop trusting in mere humans,
who have but a breath in their nostrils.
Why hold them in esteem?
Isaiah 2:22
So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who relies on it
will never be stricken with panic.
Isaiah 28:16
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Exodus 14:14
Zion will be delivered with justice,
her penitent ones with righteousness.
Isaiah 1:27
[because:]
The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though [I] may stumble, [I] will not fall,
for the LORD upholds [me] with his hand.
Psalm 37:23-24
For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Psalm 37:28
[My comment to the Lord:]
I will give thanks for you answered me
you have become my salvation
Psalm 118:21
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The Legacy
The Legacy
When I die, give what is left of me to children.
If you need to cry, cry for your brothers walking beside you.
Put your arms around anyone and give them what you need to give me.
I want to leave you with something, something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I have known and loved.
And if you cannot live without me, then let me live on in your eyes, your mind, and your acts of kindness
You can love me most by letting hands touch hands and letting go of children that need to be free.
Love does not die, people do.
So when all that is left of me is love...
Give me away...
-John Wayne Schlatter's mother
I found this in A second helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul, death and dying section
When I die, give what is left of me to children.
If you need to cry, cry for your brothers walking beside you.
Put your arms around anyone and give them what you need to give me.
I want to leave you with something, something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I have known and loved.
And if you cannot live without me, then let me live on in your eyes, your mind, and your acts of kindness
You can love me most by letting hands touch hands and letting go of children that need to be free.
Love does not die, people do.
So when all that is left of me is love...
Give me away...
-John Wayne Schlatter's mother
I found this in A second helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul, death and dying section
Thursday, September 15, 2011
.no use in waiting.
I've recently been reminded repeatedly that I am in the prime stages of grief and that when I am older and wiser God will use my dad's death as a powerful testimony. How beautiful I will be, how gloriously God shalt shineth through me! Hallelujah!!
And that's true, the Lord will use my story one day to bring glory upon himself. People will see Him through my story. Through our circumstances and our choices he works. And I expect that I will be a completely different person in 10 and 20 and 30 years from now. I will be more like Jesus, thank you God.
But as for now, I am beautiful. And God can be glorified now.
We live in a culture of planning and preparation for the next stage. Every stage is planning for the next stage. Middle school is directed toward high school. We learn to study for college in high school. College is preparing for our future careers. The story of Mary and Martha in the gospels caught my attention this weekend. In Luke chapter 10 Jesus was welcomed into their home and had started teaching. We know Martha is working and trying to be hospitable for her guests and her sister Mary isn't helping her. Instead she's listening to Jesus. Martha says, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me" And Jesus answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha. You are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her. (Luke 10:40-42, NKJV)
One thing is needed.
When I read that I think about my future plans. "Lord! What am I going to do next semester! How will I ever do this in time? How can I pay for this?" I have been so burdened about my future that I seek that and look at that. My mind thinks about that. When I am in quiet time I ask God about it. I journal about it. I don't sit at the feet of Jesus. I don't ask him to take my burdens, but I ask him to tell me the answers.
But Jesus brings me gently to my knees and says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30 NIV).
God, I want rest for my soul. When Jesus gives me rest, I can think about Him. And He is here now. He's not my future, He's my now and He'll always be my now. The future is just a thought, but He is reality. And when I am at rest at His feet, I am simply here. Not worrying about tomorrow. And I know that I'd rather be here now: beautiful, complete, glorifying Jesus, than to be hoping to one day be beautiful, to one day be worthy of bringing my mighty King glory. Because when Jesus said "It is finished." (John 19:30b NKJV) He was talking about my salvation 2,000 before I was born. Being complete in Him means when I ask Him into my heart He is fully there, now.
A friend told me that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone but Jesus if our goal is to be like Him. And so I expect that I should be more beautiful every day as I sit at His feet. And if He says I'm beautiful and complete, time is no matter in that.
And that's true, the Lord will use my story one day to bring glory upon himself. People will see Him through my story. Through our circumstances and our choices he works. And I expect that I will be a completely different person in 10 and 20 and 30 years from now. I will be more like Jesus, thank you God.
But as for now, I am beautiful. And God can be glorified now.
We live in a culture of planning and preparation for the next stage. Every stage is planning for the next stage. Middle school is directed toward high school. We learn to study for college in high school. College is preparing for our future careers. The story of Mary and Martha in the gospels caught my attention this weekend. In Luke chapter 10 Jesus was welcomed into their home and had started teaching. We know Martha is working and trying to be hospitable for her guests and her sister Mary isn't helping her. Instead she's listening to Jesus. Martha says, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me" And Jesus answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha. You are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her. (Luke 10:40-42, NKJV)
One thing is needed.
When I read that I think about my future plans. "Lord! What am I going to do next semester! How will I ever do this in time? How can I pay for this?" I have been so burdened about my future that I seek that and look at that. My mind thinks about that. When I am in quiet time I ask God about it. I journal about it. I don't sit at the feet of Jesus. I don't ask him to take my burdens, but I ask him to tell me the answers.
But Jesus brings me gently to my knees and says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30 NIV).
God, I want rest for my soul. When Jesus gives me rest, I can think about Him. And He is here now. He's not my future, He's my now and He'll always be my now. The future is just a thought, but He is reality. And when I am at rest at His feet, I am simply here. Not worrying about tomorrow. And I know that I'd rather be here now: beautiful, complete, glorifying Jesus, than to be hoping to one day be beautiful, to one day be worthy of bringing my mighty King glory. Because when Jesus said "It is finished." (John 19:30b NKJV) He was talking about my salvation 2,000 before I was born. Being complete in Him means when I ask Him into my heart He is fully there, now.
A friend told me that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone but Jesus if our goal is to be like Him. And so I expect that I should be more beautiful every day as I sit at His feet. And if He says I'm beautiful and complete, time is no matter in that.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Less frequent, but still there
I came across some verses that explained my thoughts exactly the few months after my dad's death. I can't believe it's been 5 months. It still seems like yesterday. Do I still feel the way that these verses describe? Yes but less frequently
As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so one who goes down to the grave does not return.
He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more.
Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my soul.
Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard?
When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint,
Even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions
So that I prefer strangling and death rather than this body of mine
I despise my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone; my days have no meaning.
What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention.
That you examine them every morning and test them every moment?
Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?
Job 7:9-19
As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so one who goes down to the grave does not return.
He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more.
Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my soul.
Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard?
When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint,
Even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions
So that I prefer strangling and death rather than this body of mine
I despise my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone; my days have no meaning.
What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention.
That you examine them every morning and test them every moment?
Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?
Job 7:9-19
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Turn to The Lord
For all the times I've been selfish, I pray you look upon His selfless nature
When I am prideful and take control, I pray you see His perfect humility
When I am quick to anger, I pray you see His patient understanding
When I let you down, I pray you see that He is a steadfast rock
For the times my heart has been broken, it is His perfect refining work
For all the ways I've been redeemed, it is His gift alone
For all the times I've been humbled, highest praise to Him
For the times I've been loved and fought for, He's behind every action
For the ways you see me as beautiful, glory be to Him
For the times you've been inspired, glory be to Him
For a positive example that you see me as, glory be to Him
For all the ways I have brought life to your day, it is His glory alone
When you see my life and my actions as good, Glory to God.
For no one is Good but God alone. Mark 10:18
When I am prideful and take control, I pray you see His perfect humility
When I am quick to anger, I pray you see His patient understanding
When I let you down, I pray you see that He is a steadfast rock
For the times my heart has been broken, it is His perfect refining work
For all the ways I've been redeemed, it is His gift alone
For all the times I've been humbled, highest praise to Him
For the times I've been loved and fought for, He's behind every action
For the ways you see me as beautiful, glory be to Him
For the times you've been inspired, glory be to Him
For a positive example that you see me as, glory be to Him
For all the ways I have brought life to your day, it is His glory alone
When you see my life and my actions as good, Glory to God.
For no one is Good but God alone. Mark 10:18
Monday, July 25, 2011
when He is at work.
When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him. When He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him. But He knows the way that I take. When He has tested me I will come forth as gold.
Job 23:9-10
This verse has described my days this summer. I do not see His work in my life. I am blinded by my inability to see the bigger picture. So many times I am pissed that my family isn't whole anymore. I can't imagine why my mom and dad can't spend their lives growing old together. They never chose this. I wish that my siblings had a dad and it breaks my heart to see them suffer. I do not see His work in the north. I catch no glimpse if Him when He turns to the South.
It can be so confusing.
He knows the way that I take. He knows me, and lets me sit in confusion. Sometimes I just need to sit back and let Him work. I don't need to know what's going on. I need to know that He knows the way that I take. When I cannot bear the pain of losing my dad, he is living in me, breaking with me. He knows. The way that I take. Whether or not I chose to take the path, He knows the way that I take. If He knows, what do I have to fear?
When He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
Sorrow stretches the soul. I ask sorrow to be a companion all the days of my life if it means being more like Jesus. I want to come forth as gold, just like my Savior. Test me Lord, stretch me.
My journey this summer has been about trusting Him. I do not understand. Many days I am a wreck, just a ball of confusion and mess. If in all of this he still knows the way that I take, and after the mess and confusion I will come forth a new, better version of me, then I can trust Him. I have hope in this cloud of despair because He has promised me this.
I hate that my dad is gone. I do not understand.
But He knows the way that I take.
And after all of this,
I will come forth as gold.
Praise God who writes some incredible stories.
Job 23:9-10
This verse has described my days this summer. I do not see His work in my life. I am blinded by my inability to see the bigger picture. So many times I am pissed that my family isn't whole anymore. I can't imagine why my mom and dad can't spend their lives growing old together. They never chose this. I wish that my siblings had a dad and it breaks my heart to see them suffer. I do not see His work in the north. I catch no glimpse if Him when He turns to the South.
It can be so confusing.
He knows the way that I take. He knows me, and lets me sit in confusion. Sometimes I just need to sit back and let Him work. I don't need to know what's going on. I need to know that He knows the way that I take. When I cannot bear the pain of losing my dad, he is living in me, breaking with me. He knows. The way that I take. Whether or not I chose to take the path, He knows the way that I take. If He knows, what do I have to fear?
When He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
Sorrow stretches the soul. I ask sorrow to be a companion all the days of my life if it means being more like Jesus. I want to come forth as gold, just like my Savior. Test me Lord, stretch me.
My journey this summer has been about trusting Him. I do not understand. Many days I am a wreck, just a ball of confusion and mess. If in all of this he still knows the way that I take, and after the mess and confusion I will come forth a new, better version of me, then I can trust Him. I have hope in this cloud of despair because He has promised me this.
I hate that my dad is gone. I do not understand.
But He knows the way that I take.
And after all of this,
I will come forth as gold.
Praise God who writes some incredible stories.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thanks Jesus
I was zoning out while at work today and I was thinking about my dad, of course. I realized that I still sometimes think he's alive and he's just not here. I don't think specifics, but maybe he's on a business trip or this weekend he went to visit his mom. I get so sad when I realize that's not actually the case. I kept thinking, "Why do I need to know he's gone... can't I just be in denial my whole life. That sounds good to me." I knew this wasn't healthy, but I don't really care.
A while later my mind wandered back to that subject and a strong thought came into my mind. I know that type of thought and it's the Lord in me. It said "He is alive, he is somewhere else. He's not here, he's in heaven." I don't need to live my life knowing he is gone, because while he's not on this earth anymore, he is more alive than I am right now.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:
13 We do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, about those who are asleep, so you do not grieve as the rest who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, so also God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.
I do not have to grieve like the rest of the world. I can, but what benefit would that be to me when I have this awesome hope. Surely, death has lost its sting.
Thanks Jesus =)
A while later my mind wandered back to that subject and a strong thought came into my mind. I know that type of thought and it's the Lord in me. It said "He is alive, he is somewhere else. He's not here, he's in heaven." I don't need to live my life knowing he is gone, because while he's not on this earth anymore, he is more alive than I am right now.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:
13 We do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, about those who are asleep, so you do not grieve as the rest who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, so also God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.
I do not have to grieve like the rest of the world. I can, but what benefit would that be to me when I have this awesome hope. Surely, death has lost its sting.
Thanks Jesus =)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Don't you know who you are?
You Are More, by Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
Listen to the song. It's incredible.
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
Listen to the song. It's incredible.
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