when He is at work.

When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him. When He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him. But He knows the way that I take. When He has tested me I will come forth as gold.
Job 23:9-10

This verse has described my days this summer. I do not see His work in my life. I am blinded by my inability to see the bigger picture. So many times I am pissed that my family isn't whole anymore. I can't imagine why my mom and dad can't spend their lives growing old together. They never chose this. I wish that my siblings had a dad and it breaks my heart to see them suffer. I do not see His work in the north. I catch no glimpse if Him when He turns to the South.

It can be so confusing.


He knows the way that I take. He knows me, and lets me sit in confusion. Sometimes I just need to sit back and let Him work. I don't need to know what's going on. I need to know that He knows the way that I take. When I cannot bear the pain of losing my dad, he is living in me, breaking with me. He knows. The way that I take. Whether or not I chose to take the path, He knows the way that I take. If He knows, what do I have to fear?

When He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

Sorrow stretches the soul. I ask sorrow to be a companion all the days of my life if it means being more like Jesus. I want to come forth as gold, just like my Savior. Test me Lord, stretch me.

My journey this summer has been about trusting Him. I do not understand. Many days I am a wreck, just a ball of confusion and mess. If in all of this he still knows the way that I take, and after the mess and confusion I will come forth a new, better version of me, then I can trust Him. I have hope in this cloud of despair because He has promised me this.

I hate that my dad is gone. I do not understand.
But He knows the way that I take.
And after all of this,
I will come forth as gold.

Praise God who writes some incredible stories.

Thanks Jesus

I was zoning out while at work today and I was thinking about my dad, of course. I realized that I still sometimes think he's alive and he's just not here. I don't think specifics, but maybe he's on a business trip or this weekend he went to visit his mom. I get so sad when I realize that's not actually the case. I kept thinking, "Why do I need to know he's gone... can't I just be in denial my whole life. That sounds good to me." I knew this wasn't healthy, but I don't really care.

A while later my mind wandered back to that subject and a strong thought came into my mind. I know that type of thought and it's the Lord in me. It said "He is alive, he is somewhere else. He's not here, he's in heaven." I don't need to live my life knowing he is gone, because while he's not on this earth anymore, he is more alive than I am right now.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:
13 We do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, about those who are asleep, so you do not grieve as the rest who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, so also God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. 

I do not have to grieve like the rest of the world. I can, but what benefit would that be to me when I have this awesome hope. Surely, death has lost its sting.  


Thanks Jesus =)

Don't you know who you are?

You Are More, by Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

 'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.


 



Listen to the song. It's incredible. 

Just Gotta Love Him

I'm feeling pretty negative today, so I wanted to write a list of things that God has done for me. I'm so thankful for Him.

1. didn't let me get another job, because he knew that I'm employed full time with grieving. 

2. even though I don't feel very supported by people, I don't have one ounce of loneliness. None. 

3. he died for me. nbd.

4. he gave me a love for learning, and classes this summer have been rewarding and fun.

5. he pushed me to get through today, and with his strength it felt like I was floating on a cloud.

6. he's given me friends I can count on, more than a handful. 

7. i have a wonderful mother, who is devoted to raising us well.

8. i have the best father, who is safely back home where we all belong.

9. my parents were super smart and saved money so that we can live well after they're gone.

10. i have hope and a future

11. he never lets me stay in my despair for too long

Right now, my favorite one of all is that God saved me. I was in love with this world and everything it had to offer and I was dead inside. I was trapped and I was miserable...and I didn't really know it until I look back on that life I had with new eyes. New eyes that see Jesus as my King and Savior. I don't escape pain, obviously, but that pain just becomes something so enriching. I can feel my soul growing. I can feel myself being molded into something that is more pure than yesterday. It's an incredible feeling and I would never give it up to feel the way I did before. It's not even a question. 

Maddi

the adventures of my shapeless world

It's times like these when one really asks: What am I doing here?

I have been having these moments consistently for the past two months. Since Dad died I feel like my world has been completely broken. Nothing seems worthy of time, nothing seems reasonable. I can't bring myself to want to do anything. I do a lot of things, but I don't really want to do them. I just don't see a point. The things I do, I do because I am obligated. Work, eating, sleeping, even spending time with my family and with God is an obligation I put upon myself.

I know deep in my heart that God doesn't want to be an obligation to me, but a deep desire. In my heart He is an obligation right now, but I do it out of love for Him and for myself. I do it because I am selfish and I know that if I spend time with Him my heart will be happy... eventually. I know that I NEED Him. I really really don't want to take time to pray for my friends or family or even myself. I don't want to read every day and I don't want to cry and cry over my dad who isn't coming back. I don't want to cast all my cares on the Lord. I don't want to come to Him and tell him my troubles and worries. I don't want to do so many things. I literally want the world to stop all for me so that I can lay in bed and eat whatever food I want and watch TV all day AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!

The time I spend forcing myself to hangout with God enables me to get out of bed at 7 every morning and coach. It gets me to the gym and to read my textbook. It gets me to have small glimpses of hope every day for something small whether it's dessert or a meeting with a friend. It helps me to feel alive at all. I feel in my heart that there is no purpose at all, and that worldview provides for a very stagnant day. God is the only reason that I can do anything at all when I feel that there is absolutely no reason to do anything at all. And I mean anything.

I love my friends in Fort Collins, I know you are here for me. But because of my state of mind I don't have much desire to hang out with friends. I just prefer to be alone or with my family. So I don't get many texts or have many outside conversations. This would've killed me last year, but somehow I've never felt more loved or more secure. I thank God yet again for saving me from that trap within myself. I feel that there are a million angels surrounding me telling me I'm not alone. I don't have to worry about so many things that I used to before. (I never had to, but I was trapped within myself).

Well I suppose to finish off, I have been questioning my purpose and the purpose of any of this at all. I don't have an answer, nor am I looking for one. I don't want to be satisfied with an answer to that. I want to be ever seeking and learning. Right now I am distressed and frustrated and angry and broken, yet I have never felt so peaceful. I've never felt this peace while I was comfortable and happy. I never thought I needed God when I felt that way. I hope that God lets my heart feel desires and dreams and hopes again soon, but right now I am satisfied (most of the time) with feeling absolutely out of my mind insanely uncomfortable. Other times I am really pissed.

It's all gooood.

Maddi

aaaaah

Just something I was thinking about today:
Jokes, like clothes, go out of style. Since I don't want to complain over facebook, and I'm too polite to tell people to their faces (or chicken) I will complain here: where I can because you were the one who came to my page.
Things that aren't funny anymore:
1. When boys where tight/ short bottoms and then act sexy.

That's all. There are more but that's the one I really want to stress. Just really not funny at all anymore.

My heart is just broken today. I just can't stop crying all day. Last night I had a hard time too. I just miss my dad so much. I miss his smile and his jokes. I miss how he used to laugh because when he laughed it was something really funny. If you made him laugh that was a big deal. I miss when he'd roll his eyes at us. I miss when he'd yell at us for messing up the computer or the downstairs tv. I miss that whenever we'd call him to come fix a problem, he would arrive and somehow it would just start working so he'd think we were lying. I miss that he and mom were going to travel the world when they retired. I miss that my sweet mom had a husband that took care of her and brought her flowers sometimes after work. I miss when she was happy. I miss him gently putting his hands on my shoulders and kissing my head and lingering just annoyingly too long, because I wanted to get back to what I was doing. I miss him opening up his fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant and reading "Help me! I'm stuck inside a fortune cookie factory" I miss him being so practical and making our (extremely petty) problems seem so simple to fix. He always advocated love in such a simple way. He seemed always to know what was the right thing to do and it always was. He didn't drive a lot the past two years. I really really want to remember what it was like when he'd come home from work at 5 and sit down to dinner with us. I was away at college this year so I missed that this year. I just miss his wonderful brown hair. I hated to see him so distressed and so worried all the time. I wish I hadn't been so worried. This is the worst that can happen to him and it happened. I guess there really wasn't any reason to worry.

This is the part where I vent in a very minor way, so please don't take offense. I wish people knew what to say. I wish people could remember. I wish they knew that taking me to coffee once or sending a text that says "hope you're doing well" doesn't help. I wish they knew that I wanted to be called, it doesn't help to say "call me if you need anything" I probably won't call. My heart is broken and I hate getting out of bed in the morning when I know my dad isn't here. I really don't want to go out of my way to call my friends who are out having fun in the sun: biking, climbing, working, slack lining, swimming, etc. I don't want to interrupt you and bring you into my dark room to cry with me. I want you to choose to do that. My friend Jordan, she texts me once in a while and asks me how I am. She texts me for as long as I need and I usually tell her the same things over and over again. All she has to do is listen. She doesn't send me her thoughts and prayers, she just gives me time. I appreciate that so so much. She doesn't give me limited time saying she needs to go but "I hope you feel better!" She just texts back, (or talks back when she calls). I need that. I know she cares.

Sorry if that section annoys you to pieces but I really needed to get that off my chest. I'm not angry just really really broken, and I could use some hugs.



Alright vent session over.
Maddi

Yeah.. I've got hope in the Lord.

I decided to read through the Bible this summer. I came across Exodus 14:14- The Lord will fight for you. You only need to be still. I really love that. That makes me feel so safe.

So I suppose it's time I share my experience in hospice before Dad died. It was really cool, and I think I had ignored it for so long because I didn't want to admit that God was actually there with me.

As a background story, my mom and dad have always been "great" people. They don't cuss, they don't excessively drink, they never fight, they believe in saving yourself for marriage, etc. We were always mistaken for a mormon family when all of us kids were younger.They weren't raised in a church family but somehow they stuck to their morals and found each other. While we were growing up we were Creasters (Church on x-mas and Easter). I specifically remember that in 7th grade I like a boy who was a Christian. Alison had started becoming interested in church, also. So my desire to go to church combined with Alison's got us all to go. 

Mom and Dad always did believe in God. But I know their desire to go to Church (is that supposed to be capitalized?) was because Timberline has such hilarious pastors and they agreed with everything that the church taught. They always talked about how great the service was and how they loved the family values Timberline taught (teaches). 

For me, as a growing Christian who needed guidance and support, I didn't consider my parents the kind of Christians that I wished they were. I wanted to see my parents wake up early and have quiet times, and I always told God that my one true wish was to see my daddy raise his hands to worship God. I wanted them to turn me to scripture when I had problems, but I was also a teenager so I never told them my problems haha. 

So, here we come to this dilemma. I want so desperately to believe that my dad is in heaven. I think that deep down-- I know he is, but I can't seem to stop worrying. Romans 10:9-10 “…because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.” 

While we were in hospice I asked my mom if dad really did believe that Jesus died for our sins and was raised from the dead. She, without any hesitation, plainly said, "oh yeah." She said, "He was always the one who wanted to go to church in the mornings." I remember when Alison and Rachel were with him once and they said, "Dad are you talking to God? Squeeze our hands if you are." And he squeezed. We are pretty sure he was seeing angels in the hospital room because he kept looking up at the corners and pointing at things we couldn't see. 

Here is the part where God really comes into the picture (for my story personally): I was praying and praying constantly for God to save him. I prayed for healing, but my prime words were "save him".  I had every intention of healing but I think God understood my prayer as save his soul...and as always God was right because ultimately that's what I would prefer (If I had to pick). SO, while I was desperately praying that week I came across SOO many verses that talked about God saving his people from death. On the surface I was like,"Oh yes, the Lord will SO save my dad. He's leading me to these verses." Deep in my heart, however, I knew that isn't what God meant. He meant that he would save his people from eternal death. Our lives right now aren't really real living. Not the way God wants us to live. God was concerned about my dad's soul more that my dad's life here. 

My dad did confess with his mouth. He told my mom that he believed in Jesus. He was baptized because in the hospital I asked my mom if she and dad accepted Jesus into their hearts as the Lord and Savoir? And she did, and she knew he did. He was baptized. Also, he was out of it for about a week and a half, pretty sure that's enough time for God to have a chat with someone.

The thing that I struggled the most with after he died was my disappointment in the Scriptures. I read so many verses telling me that if you ask for something, with prayer and petition, if it's in God's will, you believe in your heart you will recieve it, etc. then it will be granted to you. So after dad died naturally I was like, cool the Bible is a load of crap! Everything I believed in was a lie. I believed this for a while, but it wasn't until I started questioning my dad's place in the afterlife I really started to notice things. I re- read those verses, and I understood their true meaning. I heard two stories on two different podcasts in the same day about people who realized that God DID answer their prayers. You see, they had been praying for their loved ones to make it through their illness and they had been praying for God to save them... just like me. They both realized in their letters that God DID save their loved ones. Just not in the way they had hoped for, but in an even better way. I really think God is trying to tell me that He reached my dad in the hospital. I think that because of my prayers, and my family's prayers, and my friends prayers, and your prayers, that God did answer us. He said yes, but we just didn't understand how. 

I think my dad is in heaven. I don't have it written by God in plain sight, but I just have to have faith. 

Thanks for reading...that's what God has been showing me lately. I still get nervous sometimes and don't worry I know 1 Thessalonians 4:13 -Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.

If this is what the Lord is telling me, then I do not grieve like the rest of man kind. I miss the man that raised me, but I have hope that I will see him again. Miss you Dad, and I love both my Father's in Heaven.