I am so afriad of the people I love dying, that I forget to think about my own mortality. I worry so much about the next time I will have to go through this and miss someone else, that I forget that I too can die. It is of course perhaps more worrisome to think about being on earth living through life without a person I love. It's much more practical for me to be upset about another death of a loved one because I know so well what it's like, and I learned much but I don't want to know it again. It's much more difficult to remember or think about my own death because I have only ever been alive, so naturally I feel immortal. When I do think about my own dying, I get very lonely. I understand why people worry about being forgotten. I feel so scared that my loved ones will hurt like I hurt when my dad died. I am sad to think that I wouldn't be on this earth anymore, which is all I've ever known. I don't like to think about my own death one day because I just don't think I can die.
Tonight I allowed my thoughts to dwell on my mortality and the possibility that God could take me at any time. He is a good God and I usually know that He has loving plans. I cried a lot. I cried about things that may not ever happen to me. Somewhere in all my worrying and sadness God redirected my focus on my life. I don't know what He did, but I instantly had a change in mind. Life became a little more fragile to me, like glass. Having a wedding isn't a necessity or even a rite of passage as a human being, it's just something I can enjoy. Maintaining my friendships isn't a necessity or an obligation in life, it's just something I can enjoy. And for the sake of my own story, having an awesome college experience is not a necessity for a good life, but those who get to have one get to really enjoy that. And thank God for that. Somehow life in a general sense became a little less stressful and a little more peaceful.
I want to stop trying to conquer my life, and just enjoy it.
I am mortal and life is delicate.
"However many years anyone may live, let them enjoy them all. But let them remember days of darkness for there will be many. Everything to come is meaningless.
You who are young, be happy while you are young and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement.
So then, banish anxiety from your heart and caset of the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless."
This is probably a depressing idea to some, but to me it was just the breath of fresh air that I needed from God.