"...Americans who suffered less but feared it more"
-The Gift of Pain
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
---
My daddy didn't lose a battle to cancer. He never lost. He'd beat you at anything. Who could choose to live on earth when they saw a glimpse of Heaven and when angels are gently leading you to God's arms? He didn't lose any battle, Dad chose what was better and it will not be taken from Him.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Life's not fair.
If there is anything about this life I have learned, it is that it's not fair.
In what world do we deserve death, only to have our King die for us?
Before I was born, before I had consciousness, I was given the chance to truly live in a dead and fallen world where I am the culprit.
I can't think of anything more unfair than that.
Thank God.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My Story by His Words
[Father, I say:]
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Psalm 119:28
They dress the wound of my people
as though it were not serious.
“Peace, peace,” they say,
when there is no peace.
Jeremiah 8:11
[He says to them:]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.
Isaiah 1:17b
[there is:]
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Ecclesiastes 3:3-4
[He says to me:]
Stop trusting in mere humans,
who have but a breath in their nostrils.
Why hold them in esteem?
Isaiah 2:22
So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who relies on it
will never be stricken with panic.
Isaiah 28:16
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Exodus 14:14
Zion will be delivered with justice,
her penitent ones with righteousness.
Isaiah 1:27
[because:]
The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though [I] may stumble, [I] will not fall,
for the LORD upholds [me] with his hand.
Psalm 37:23-24
For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Psalm 37:28
[My comment to the Lord:]
I will give thanks for you answered me
you have become my salvation
Psalm 118:21
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Psalm 119:28
They dress the wound of my people
as though it were not serious.
“Peace, peace,” they say,
when there is no peace.
Jeremiah 8:11
[He says to them:]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.
Isaiah 1:17b
[there is:]
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Ecclesiastes 3:3-4
[He says to me:]
Stop trusting in mere humans,
who have but a breath in their nostrils.
Why hold them in esteem?
Isaiah 2:22
So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who relies on it
will never be stricken with panic.
Isaiah 28:16
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Exodus 14:14
Zion will be delivered with justice,
her penitent ones with righteousness.
Isaiah 1:27
[because:]
The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though [I] may stumble, [I] will not fall,
for the LORD upholds [me] with his hand.
Psalm 37:23-24
For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Psalm 37:28
[My comment to the Lord:]
I will give thanks for you answered me
you have become my salvation
Psalm 118:21
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The Legacy
The Legacy
When I die, give what is left of me to children.
If you need to cry, cry for your brothers walking beside you.
Put your arms around anyone and give them what you need to give me.
I want to leave you with something, something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I have known and loved.
And if you cannot live without me, then let me live on in your eyes, your mind, and your acts of kindness
You can love me most by letting hands touch hands and letting go of children that need to be free.
Love does not die, people do.
So when all that is left of me is love...
Give me away...
-John Wayne Schlatter's mother
I found this in A second helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul, death and dying section
When I die, give what is left of me to children.
If you need to cry, cry for your brothers walking beside you.
Put your arms around anyone and give them what you need to give me.
I want to leave you with something, something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I have known and loved.
And if you cannot live without me, then let me live on in your eyes, your mind, and your acts of kindness
You can love me most by letting hands touch hands and letting go of children that need to be free.
Love does not die, people do.
So when all that is left of me is love...
Give me away...
-John Wayne Schlatter's mother
I found this in A second helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul, death and dying section
Thursday, September 15, 2011
.no use in waiting.
I've recently been reminded repeatedly that I am in the prime stages of grief and that when I am older and wiser God will use my dad's death as a powerful testimony. How beautiful I will be, how gloriously God shalt shineth through me! Hallelujah!!
And that's true, the Lord will use my story one day to bring glory upon himself. People will see Him through my story. Through our circumstances and our choices he works. And I expect that I will be a completely different person in 10 and 20 and 30 years from now. I will be more like Jesus, thank you God.
But as for now, I am beautiful. And God can be glorified now.
We live in a culture of planning and preparation for the next stage. Every stage is planning for the next stage. Middle school is directed toward high school. We learn to study for college in high school. College is preparing for our future careers. The story of Mary and Martha in the gospels caught my attention this weekend. In Luke chapter 10 Jesus was welcomed into their home and had started teaching. We know Martha is working and trying to be hospitable for her guests and her sister Mary isn't helping her. Instead she's listening to Jesus. Martha says, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me" And Jesus answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha. You are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her. (Luke 10:40-42, NKJV)
One thing is needed.
When I read that I think about my future plans. "Lord! What am I going to do next semester! How will I ever do this in time? How can I pay for this?" I have been so burdened about my future that I seek that and look at that. My mind thinks about that. When I am in quiet time I ask God about it. I journal about it. I don't sit at the feet of Jesus. I don't ask him to take my burdens, but I ask him to tell me the answers.
But Jesus brings me gently to my knees and says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30 NIV).
God, I want rest for my soul. When Jesus gives me rest, I can think about Him. And He is here now. He's not my future, He's my now and He'll always be my now. The future is just a thought, but He is reality. And when I am at rest at His feet, I am simply here. Not worrying about tomorrow. And I know that I'd rather be here now: beautiful, complete, glorifying Jesus, than to be hoping to one day be beautiful, to one day be worthy of bringing my mighty King glory. Because when Jesus said "It is finished." (John 19:30b NKJV) He was talking about my salvation 2,000 before I was born. Being complete in Him means when I ask Him into my heart He is fully there, now.
A friend told me that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone but Jesus if our goal is to be like Him. And so I expect that I should be more beautiful every day as I sit at His feet. And if He says I'm beautiful and complete, time is no matter in that.
And that's true, the Lord will use my story one day to bring glory upon himself. People will see Him through my story. Through our circumstances and our choices he works. And I expect that I will be a completely different person in 10 and 20 and 30 years from now. I will be more like Jesus, thank you God.
But as for now, I am beautiful. And God can be glorified now.
We live in a culture of planning and preparation for the next stage. Every stage is planning for the next stage. Middle school is directed toward high school. We learn to study for college in high school. College is preparing for our future careers. The story of Mary and Martha in the gospels caught my attention this weekend. In Luke chapter 10 Jesus was welcomed into their home and had started teaching. We know Martha is working and trying to be hospitable for her guests and her sister Mary isn't helping her. Instead she's listening to Jesus. Martha says, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me" And Jesus answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha. You are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her. (Luke 10:40-42, NKJV)
One thing is needed.
When I read that I think about my future plans. "Lord! What am I going to do next semester! How will I ever do this in time? How can I pay for this?" I have been so burdened about my future that I seek that and look at that. My mind thinks about that. When I am in quiet time I ask God about it. I journal about it. I don't sit at the feet of Jesus. I don't ask him to take my burdens, but I ask him to tell me the answers.
But Jesus brings me gently to my knees and says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30 NIV).
God, I want rest for my soul. When Jesus gives me rest, I can think about Him. And He is here now. He's not my future, He's my now and He'll always be my now. The future is just a thought, but He is reality. And when I am at rest at His feet, I am simply here. Not worrying about tomorrow. And I know that I'd rather be here now: beautiful, complete, glorifying Jesus, than to be hoping to one day be beautiful, to one day be worthy of bringing my mighty King glory. Because when Jesus said "It is finished." (John 19:30b NKJV) He was talking about my salvation 2,000 before I was born. Being complete in Him means when I ask Him into my heart He is fully there, now.
A friend told me that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone but Jesus if our goal is to be like Him. And so I expect that I should be more beautiful every day as I sit at His feet. And if He says I'm beautiful and complete, time is no matter in that.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Less frequent, but still there
I came across some verses that explained my thoughts exactly the few months after my dad's death. I can't believe it's been 5 months. It still seems like yesterday. Do I still feel the way that these verses describe? Yes but less frequently
As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so one who goes down to the grave does not return.
He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more.
Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my soul.
Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard?
When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint,
Even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions
So that I prefer strangling and death rather than this body of mine
I despise my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone; my days have no meaning.
What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention.
That you examine them every morning and test them every moment?
Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?
Job 7:9-19
As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so one who goes down to the grave does not return.
He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more.
Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my soul.
Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard?
When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint,
Even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions
So that I prefer strangling and death rather than this body of mine
I despise my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone; my days have no meaning.
What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention.
That you examine them every morning and test them every moment?
Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?
Job 7:9-19
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Turn to The Lord
For all the times I've been selfish, I pray you look upon His selfless nature
When I am prideful and take control, I pray you see His perfect humility
When I am quick to anger, I pray you see His patient understanding
When I let you down, I pray you see that He is a steadfast rock
For the times my heart has been broken, it is His perfect refining work
For all the ways I've been redeemed, it is His gift alone
For all the times I've been humbled, highest praise to Him
For the times I've been loved and fought for, He's behind every action
For the ways you see me as beautiful, glory be to Him
For the times you've been inspired, glory be to Him
For a positive example that you see me as, glory be to Him
For all the ways I have brought life to your day, it is His glory alone
When you see my life and my actions as good, Glory to God.
For no one is Good but God alone. Mark 10:18
When I am prideful and take control, I pray you see His perfect humility
When I am quick to anger, I pray you see His patient understanding
When I let you down, I pray you see that He is a steadfast rock
For the times my heart has been broken, it is His perfect refining work
For all the ways I've been redeemed, it is His gift alone
For all the times I've been humbled, highest praise to Him
For the times I've been loved and fought for, He's behind every action
For the ways you see me as beautiful, glory be to Him
For the times you've been inspired, glory be to Him
For a positive example that you see me as, glory be to Him
For all the ways I have brought life to your day, it is His glory alone
When you see my life and my actions as good, Glory to God.
For no one is Good but God alone. Mark 10:18
Monday, July 25, 2011
when He is at work.
When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him. When He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him. But He knows the way that I take. When He has tested me I will come forth as gold.
Job 23:9-10
This verse has described my days this summer. I do not see His work in my life. I am blinded by my inability to see the bigger picture. So many times I am pissed that my family isn't whole anymore. I can't imagine why my mom and dad can't spend their lives growing old together. They never chose this. I wish that my siblings had a dad and it breaks my heart to see them suffer. I do not see His work in the north. I catch no glimpse if Him when He turns to the South.
It can be so confusing.
He knows the way that I take. He knows me, and lets me sit in confusion. Sometimes I just need to sit back and let Him work. I don't need to know what's going on. I need to know that He knows the way that I take. When I cannot bear the pain of losing my dad, he is living in me, breaking with me. He knows. The way that I take. Whether or not I chose to take the path, He knows the way that I take. If He knows, what do I have to fear?
When He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
Sorrow stretches the soul. I ask sorrow to be a companion all the days of my life if it means being more like Jesus. I want to come forth as gold, just like my Savior. Test me Lord, stretch me.
My journey this summer has been about trusting Him. I do not understand. Many days I am a wreck, just a ball of confusion and mess. If in all of this he still knows the way that I take, and after the mess and confusion I will come forth a new, better version of me, then I can trust Him. I have hope in this cloud of despair because He has promised me this.
I hate that my dad is gone. I do not understand.
But He knows the way that I take.
And after all of this,
I will come forth as gold.
Praise God who writes some incredible stories.
Job 23:9-10
This verse has described my days this summer. I do not see His work in my life. I am blinded by my inability to see the bigger picture. So many times I am pissed that my family isn't whole anymore. I can't imagine why my mom and dad can't spend their lives growing old together. They never chose this. I wish that my siblings had a dad and it breaks my heart to see them suffer. I do not see His work in the north. I catch no glimpse if Him when He turns to the South.
It can be so confusing.
He knows the way that I take. He knows me, and lets me sit in confusion. Sometimes I just need to sit back and let Him work. I don't need to know what's going on. I need to know that He knows the way that I take. When I cannot bear the pain of losing my dad, he is living in me, breaking with me. He knows. The way that I take. Whether or not I chose to take the path, He knows the way that I take. If He knows, what do I have to fear?
When He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
Sorrow stretches the soul. I ask sorrow to be a companion all the days of my life if it means being more like Jesus. I want to come forth as gold, just like my Savior. Test me Lord, stretch me.
My journey this summer has been about trusting Him. I do not understand. Many days I am a wreck, just a ball of confusion and mess. If in all of this he still knows the way that I take, and after the mess and confusion I will come forth a new, better version of me, then I can trust Him. I have hope in this cloud of despair because He has promised me this.
I hate that my dad is gone. I do not understand.
But He knows the way that I take.
And after all of this,
I will come forth as gold.
Praise God who writes some incredible stories.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thanks Jesus
I was zoning out while at work today and I was thinking about my dad, of course. I realized that I still sometimes think he's alive and he's just not here. I don't think specifics, but maybe he's on a business trip or this weekend he went to visit his mom. I get so sad when I realize that's not actually the case. I kept thinking, "Why do I need to know he's gone... can't I just be in denial my whole life. That sounds good to me." I knew this wasn't healthy, but I don't really care.
A while later my mind wandered back to that subject and a strong thought came into my mind. I know that type of thought and it's the Lord in me. It said "He is alive, he is somewhere else. He's not here, he's in heaven." I don't need to live my life knowing he is gone, because while he's not on this earth anymore, he is more alive than I am right now.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:
13 We do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, about those who are asleep, so you do not grieve as the rest who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, so also God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.
I do not have to grieve like the rest of the world. I can, but what benefit would that be to me when I have this awesome hope. Surely, death has lost its sting.
Thanks Jesus =)
A while later my mind wandered back to that subject and a strong thought came into my mind. I know that type of thought and it's the Lord in me. It said "He is alive, he is somewhere else. He's not here, he's in heaven." I don't need to live my life knowing he is gone, because while he's not on this earth anymore, he is more alive than I am right now.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:
13 We do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, about those who are asleep, so you do not grieve as the rest who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, so also God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.
I do not have to grieve like the rest of the world. I can, but what benefit would that be to me when I have this awesome hope. Surely, death has lost its sting.
Thanks Jesus =)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Don't you know who you are?
You Are More, by Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
Listen to the song. It's incredible.
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
Listen to the song. It's incredible.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Just Gotta Love Him
I'm feeling pretty negative today, so I wanted to write a list of things that God has done for me. I'm so thankful for Him.
1. didn't let me get another job, because he knew that I'm employed full time with grieving.
2. even though I don't feel very supported by people, I don't have one ounce of loneliness. None.
3. he died for me. nbd.
4. he gave me a love for learning, and classes this summer have been rewarding and fun.
5. he pushed me to get through today, and with his strength it felt like I was floating on a cloud.
6. he's given me friends I can count on, more than a handful.
7. i have a wonderful mother, who is devoted to raising us well.
8. i have the best father, who is safely back home where we all belong.
9. my parents were super smart and saved money so that we can live well after they're gone.
10. i have hope and a future
11. he never lets me stay in my despair for too long
Right now, my favorite one of all is that God saved me. I was in love with this world and everything it had to offer and I was dead inside. I was trapped and I was miserable...and I didn't really know it until I look back on that life I had with new eyes. New eyes that see Jesus as my King and Savior. I don't escape pain, obviously, but that pain just becomes something so enriching. I can feel my soul growing. I can feel myself being molded into something that is more pure than yesterday. It's an incredible feeling and I would never give it up to feel the way I did before. It's not even a question.
Maddi
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
the adventures of my shapeless world
It's times like these when one really asks: What am I doing here?
I have been having these moments consistently for the past two months. Since Dad died I feel like my world has been completely broken. Nothing seems worthy of time, nothing seems reasonable. I can't bring myself to want to do anything. I do a lot of things, but I don't really want to do them. I just don't see a point. The things I do, I do because I am obligated. Work, eating, sleeping, even spending time with my family and with God is an obligation I put upon myself.
I know deep in my heart that God doesn't want to be an obligation to me, but a deep desire. In my heart He is an obligation right now, but I do it out of love for Him and for myself. I do it because I am selfish and I know that if I spend time with Him my heart will be happy... eventually. I know that I NEED Him. I really really don't want to take time to pray for my friends or family or even myself. I don't want to read every day and I don't want to cry and cry over my dad who isn't coming back. I don't want to cast all my cares on the Lord. I don't want to come to Him and tell him my troubles and worries. I don't want to do so many things. I literally want the world to stop all for me so that I can lay in bed and eat whatever food I want and watch TV all day AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!
The time I spend forcing myself to hangout with God enables me to get out of bed at 7 every morning and coach. It gets me to the gym and to read my textbook. It gets me to have small glimpses of hope every day for something small whether it's dessert or a meeting with a friend. It helps me to feel alive at all. I feel in my heart that there is no purpose at all, and that worldview provides for a very stagnant day. God is the only reason that I can do anything at all when I feel that there is absolutely no reason to do anything at all. And I mean anything.
I love my friends in Fort Collins, I know you are here for me. But because of my state of mind I don't have much desire to hang out with friends. I just prefer to be alone or with my family. So I don't get many texts or have many outside conversations. This would've killed me last year, but somehow I've never felt more loved or more secure. I thank God yet again for saving me from that trap within myself. I feel that there are a million angels surrounding me telling me I'm not alone. I don't have to worry about so many things that I used to before. (I never had to, but I was trapped within myself).
Well I suppose to finish off, I have been questioning my purpose and the purpose of any of this at all. I don't have an answer, nor am I looking for one. I don't want to be satisfied with an answer to that. I want to be ever seeking and learning. Right now I am distressed and frustrated and angry and broken, yet I have never felt so peaceful. I've never felt this peace while I was comfortable and happy. I never thought I needed God when I felt that way. I hope that God lets my heart feel desires and dreams and hopes again soon, but right now I am satisfied (most of the time) with feeling absolutely out of my mind insanely uncomfortable. Other times I am really pissed.
It's all gooood.
Maddi
I have been having these moments consistently for the past two months. Since Dad died I feel like my world has been completely broken. Nothing seems worthy of time, nothing seems reasonable. I can't bring myself to want to do anything. I do a lot of things, but I don't really want to do them. I just don't see a point. The things I do, I do because I am obligated. Work, eating, sleeping, even spending time with my family and with God is an obligation I put upon myself.
I know deep in my heart that God doesn't want to be an obligation to me, but a deep desire. In my heart He is an obligation right now, but I do it out of love for Him and for myself. I do it because I am selfish and I know that if I spend time with Him my heart will be happy... eventually. I know that I NEED Him. I really really don't want to take time to pray for my friends or family or even myself. I don't want to read every day and I don't want to cry and cry over my dad who isn't coming back. I don't want to cast all my cares on the Lord. I don't want to come to Him and tell him my troubles and worries. I don't want to do so many things. I literally want the world to stop all for me so that I can lay in bed and eat whatever food I want and watch TV all day AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!
The time I spend forcing myself to hangout with God enables me to get out of bed at 7 every morning and coach. It gets me to the gym and to read my textbook. It gets me to have small glimpses of hope every day for something small whether it's dessert or a meeting with a friend. It helps me to feel alive at all. I feel in my heart that there is no purpose at all, and that worldview provides for a very stagnant day. God is the only reason that I can do anything at all when I feel that there is absolutely no reason to do anything at all. And I mean anything.
I love my friends in Fort Collins, I know you are here for me. But because of my state of mind I don't have much desire to hang out with friends. I just prefer to be alone or with my family. So I don't get many texts or have many outside conversations. This would've killed me last year, but somehow I've never felt more loved or more secure. I thank God yet again for saving me from that trap within myself. I feel that there are a million angels surrounding me telling me I'm not alone. I don't have to worry about so many things that I used to before. (I never had to, but I was trapped within myself).
Well I suppose to finish off, I have been questioning my purpose and the purpose of any of this at all. I don't have an answer, nor am I looking for one. I don't want to be satisfied with an answer to that. I want to be ever seeking and learning. Right now I am distressed and frustrated and angry and broken, yet I have never felt so peaceful. I've never felt this peace while I was comfortable and happy. I never thought I needed God when I felt that way. I hope that God lets my heart feel desires and dreams and hopes again soon, but right now I am satisfied (most of the time) with feeling absolutely out of my mind insanely uncomfortable. Other times I am really pissed.
It's all gooood.
Maddi
Friday, May 27, 2011
aaaaah
Just something I was thinking about today:
Jokes, like clothes, go out of style. Since I don't want to complain over facebook, and I'm too polite to tell people to their faces (or chicken) I will complain here: where I can because you were the one who came to my page.
Things that aren't funny anymore:
1. When boys where tight/ short bottoms and then act sexy.
That's all. There are more but that's the one I really want to stress. Just really not funny at all anymore.
My heart is just broken today. I just can't stop crying all day. Last night I had a hard time too. I just miss my dad so much. I miss his smile and his jokes. I miss how he used to laugh because when he laughed it was something really funny. If you made him laugh that was a big deal. I miss when he'd roll his eyes at us. I miss when he'd yell at us for messing up the computer or the downstairs tv. I miss that whenever we'd call him to come fix a problem, he would arrive and somehow it would just start working so he'd think we were lying. I miss that he and mom were going to travel the world when they retired. I miss that my sweet mom had a husband that took care of her and brought her flowers sometimes after work. I miss when she was happy. I miss him gently putting his hands on my shoulders and kissing my head and lingering just annoyingly too long, because I wanted to get back to what I was doing. I miss him opening up his fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant and reading "Help me! I'm stuck inside a fortune cookie factory" I miss him being so practical and making our (extremely petty) problems seem so simple to fix. He always advocated love in such a simple way. He seemed always to know what was the right thing to do and it always was. He didn't drive a lot the past two years. I really really want to remember what it was like when he'd come home from work at 5 and sit down to dinner with us. I was away at college this year so I missed that this year. I just miss his wonderful brown hair. I hated to see him so distressed and so worried all the time. I wish I hadn't been so worried. This is the worst that can happen to him and it happened. I guess there really wasn't any reason to worry.
This is the part where I vent in a very minor way, so please don't take offense. I wish people knew what to say. I wish people could remember. I wish they knew that taking me to coffee once or sending a text that says "hope you're doing well" doesn't help. I wish they knew that I wanted to be called, it doesn't help to say "call me if you need anything" I probably won't call. My heart is broken and I hate getting out of bed in the morning when I know my dad isn't here. I really don't want to go out of my way to call my friends who are out having fun in the sun: biking, climbing, working, slack lining, swimming, etc. I don't want to interrupt you and bring you into my dark room to cry with me. I want you to choose to do that. My friend Jordan, she texts me once in a while and asks me how I am. She texts me for as long as I need and I usually tell her the same things over and over again. All she has to do is listen. She doesn't send me her thoughts and prayers, she just gives me time. I appreciate that so so much. She doesn't give me limited time saying she needs to go but "I hope you feel better!" She just texts back, (or talks back when she calls). I need that. I know she cares.
Sorry if that section annoys you to pieces but I really needed to get that off my chest. I'm not angry just really really broken, and I could use some hugs.
Alright vent session over.
Maddi
Jokes, like clothes, go out of style. Since I don't want to complain over facebook, and I'm too polite to tell people to their faces (or chicken) I will complain here: where I can because you were the one who came to my page.
Things that aren't funny anymore:
1. When boys where tight/ short bottoms and then act sexy.
That's all. There are more but that's the one I really want to stress. Just really not funny at all anymore.
My heart is just broken today. I just can't stop crying all day. Last night I had a hard time too. I just miss my dad so much. I miss his smile and his jokes. I miss how he used to laugh because when he laughed it was something really funny. If you made him laugh that was a big deal. I miss when he'd roll his eyes at us. I miss when he'd yell at us for messing up the computer or the downstairs tv. I miss that whenever we'd call him to come fix a problem, he would arrive and somehow it would just start working so he'd think we were lying. I miss that he and mom were going to travel the world when they retired. I miss that my sweet mom had a husband that took care of her and brought her flowers sometimes after work. I miss when she was happy. I miss him gently putting his hands on my shoulders and kissing my head and lingering just annoyingly too long, because I wanted to get back to what I was doing. I miss him opening up his fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant and reading "Help me! I'm stuck inside a fortune cookie factory" I miss him being so practical and making our (extremely petty) problems seem so simple to fix. He always advocated love in such a simple way. He seemed always to know what was the right thing to do and it always was. He didn't drive a lot the past two years. I really really want to remember what it was like when he'd come home from work at 5 and sit down to dinner with us. I was away at college this year so I missed that this year. I just miss his wonderful brown hair. I hated to see him so distressed and so worried all the time. I wish I hadn't been so worried. This is the worst that can happen to him and it happened. I guess there really wasn't any reason to worry.
This is the part where I vent in a very minor way, so please don't take offense. I wish people knew what to say. I wish people could remember. I wish they knew that taking me to coffee once or sending a text that says "hope you're doing well" doesn't help. I wish they knew that I wanted to be called, it doesn't help to say "call me if you need anything" I probably won't call. My heart is broken and I hate getting out of bed in the morning when I know my dad isn't here. I really don't want to go out of my way to call my friends who are out having fun in the sun: biking, climbing, working, slack lining, swimming, etc. I don't want to interrupt you and bring you into my dark room to cry with me. I want you to choose to do that. My friend Jordan, she texts me once in a while and asks me how I am. She texts me for as long as I need and I usually tell her the same things over and over again. All she has to do is listen. She doesn't send me her thoughts and prayers, she just gives me time. I appreciate that so so much. She doesn't give me limited time saying she needs to go but "I hope you feel better!" She just texts back, (or talks back when she calls). I need that. I know she cares.
Sorry if that section annoys you to pieces but I really needed to get that off my chest. I'm not angry just really really broken, and I could use some hugs.
Alright vent session over.
Maddi
Friday, May 20, 2011
Yeah.. I've got hope in the Lord.
I decided to read through the Bible this summer. I came across Exodus 14:14- The Lord will fight for you. You only need to be still. I really love that. That makes me feel so safe.
So I suppose it's time I share my experience in hospice before Dad died. It was really cool, and I think I had ignored it for so long because I didn't want to admit that God was actually there with me.
As a background story, my mom and dad have always been "great" people. They don't cuss, they don't excessively drink, they never fight, they believe in saving yourself for marriage, etc. We were always mistaken for a mormon family when all of us kids were younger.They weren't raised in a church family but somehow they stuck to their morals and found each other. While we were growing up we were Creasters (Church on x-mas and Easter). I specifically remember that in 7th grade I like a boy who was a Christian. Alison had started becoming interested in church, also. So my desire to go to church combined with Alison's got us all to go.
Mom and Dad always did believe in God. But I know their desire to go to Church (is that supposed to be capitalized?) was because Timberline has such hilarious pastors and they agreed with everything that the church taught. They always talked about how great the service was and how they loved the family values Timberline taught (teaches).
For me, as a growing Christian who needed guidance and support, I didn't consider my parents the kind of Christians that I wished they were. I wanted to see my parents wake up early and have quiet times, and I always told God that my one true wish was to see my daddy raise his hands to worship God. I wanted them to turn me to scripture when I had problems, but I was also a teenager so I never told them my problems haha.
So, here we come to this dilemma. I want so desperately to believe that my dad is in heaven. I think that deep down-- I know he is, but I can't seem to stop worrying. Romans 10:9-10 “…because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.”
While we were in hospice I asked my mom if dad really did believe that Jesus died for our sins and was raised from the dead. She, without any hesitation, plainly said, "oh yeah." She said, "He was always the one who wanted to go to church in the mornings." I remember when Alison and Rachel were with him once and they said, "Dad are you talking to God? Squeeze our hands if you are." And he squeezed. We are pretty sure he was seeing angels in the hospital room because he kept looking up at the corners and pointing at things we couldn't see.
Here is the part where God really comes into the picture (for my story personally): I was praying and praying constantly for God to save him. I prayed for healing, but my prime words were "save him". I had every intention of healing but I think God understood my prayer as save his soul...and as always God was right because ultimately that's what I would prefer (If I had to pick). SO, while I was desperately praying that week I came across SOO many verses that talked about God saving his people from death. On the surface I was like,"Oh yes, the Lord will SO save my dad. He's leading me to these verses." Deep in my heart, however, I knew that isn't what God meant. He meant that he would save his people from eternal death. Our lives right now aren't really real living. Not the way God wants us to live. God was concerned about my dad's soul more that my dad's life here.
My dad did confess with his mouth. He told my mom that he believed in Jesus. He was baptized because in the hospital I asked my mom if she and dad accepted Jesus into their hearts as the Lord and Savoir? And she did, and she knew he did. He was baptized. Also, he was out of it for about a week and a half, pretty sure that's enough time for God to have a chat with someone.
The thing that I struggled the most with after he died was my disappointment in the Scriptures. I read so many verses telling me that if you ask for something, with prayer and petition, if it's in God's will, you believe in your heart you will recieve it, etc. then it will be granted to you. So after dad died naturally I was like, cool the Bible is a load of crap! Everything I believed in was a lie. I believed this for a while, but it wasn't until I started questioning my dad's place in the afterlife I really started to notice things. I re- read those verses, and I understood their true meaning. I heard two stories on two different podcasts in the same day about people who realized that God DID answer their prayers. You see, they had been praying for their loved ones to make it through their illness and they had been praying for God to save them... just like me. They both realized in their letters that God DID save their loved ones. Just not in the way they had hoped for, but in an even better way. I really think God is trying to tell me that He reached my dad in the hospital. I think that because of my prayers, and my family's prayers, and my friends prayers, and your prayers, that God did answer us. He said yes, but we just didn't understand how.
I think my dad is in heaven. I don't have it written by God in plain sight, but I just have to have faith.
Thanks for reading...that's what God has been showing me lately. I still get nervous sometimes and don't worry I know 1 Thessalonians 4:13 -Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I'll never know how much it costs
I'm not sure whether it's because I'm back in Boise or if it's something else, but I haven't really been able to cry much lately. I wish I could because it feels really good. I think it's that I haven't been able to grasp the fact that he is actually gone. I was on hulu today and it had an ad for Friday Night Lights. I always used to make fun of dad for watching it because mom always said it was a soap opera for men (it was still manly only because it was about football). After seeing that ad my first thought was, "I wonder if he still watches that?"
Whenever I see pictures I just don't believe he is gone. It's the craziest thing. Knowing something and believing something are two completely different things, and it's never been more obvious yet confusing to me as it is now. I don't know if I'll ever really think that he's gone. I wonder if I'll ever get a note or a text from mom that says just 'love, mom' and not add 'and dad' to the end. I know dad loves me. I wonder if I have to say 'my dad was' instead of 'is'. I just don't know. I believe that he's more alive than any of us are, so isn't 'is' more appropriate than was? Isn't he now what he was always meant to be before?
I sure miss him. I'll never understand it, and I'm not looking to understand it. The reason is because maybe God's plan in all this is that it'll bring a bunch of people to know him in the end. But my selfish desires say that's not good enough. I am human and I just want my dad. My human mind can never comprehend how God could ever let this happen, and I am content not knowing the reason and just missing him. I don't think there could be an explanation that would satisfy me. I couldn't give up someone I love for any number of people.
It sure makes you think about Easter and how God could watch his son suffer, and see his perfect son become sin, the very thing that God hates. I still don't understand the pain, but I can only take mine and apply it there. I appreciate what He did for us very much. I'm so grateful and I don't know how he could do it.
I want to thank those of you who have sat in silence with me and cried with me. All of you who have just listened as I cried or yelled. Thank you to all of you who have just loved me these past few weeks. It's not yet been 3 weeks since he died, and you've given me a break. We serve a patient God, a God who understands us more than we can ever know. He gets that I'm so mad, and so sad. He is not afraid of my anger or confusion. I am so thankful for the friends who have reminded me of that. THAT is what brings me closer to him.
I love you daddy, I miss you so much. I wonder what you did today in heaven. I hope you are laughing a lot.
Love,
Madeline
Whenever I see pictures I just don't believe he is gone. It's the craziest thing. Knowing something and believing something are two completely different things, and it's never been more obvious yet confusing to me as it is now. I don't know if I'll ever really think that he's gone. I wonder if I'll ever get a note or a text from mom that says just 'love, mom' and not add 'and dad' to the end. I know dad loves me. I wonder if I have to say 'my dad was' instead of 'is'. I just don't know. I believe that he's more alive than any of us are, so isn't 'is' more appropriate than was? Isn't he now what he was always meant to be before?
I sure miss him. I'll never understand it, and I'm not looking to understand it. The reason is because maybe God's plan in all this is that it'll bring a bunch of people to know him in the end. But my selfish desires say that's not good enough. I am human and I just want my dad. My human mind can never comprehend how God could ever let this happen, and I am content not knowing the reason and just missing him. I don't think there could be an explanation that would satisfy me. I couldn't give up someone I love for any number of people.
It sure makes you think about Easter and how God could watch his son suffer, and see his perfect son become sin, the very thing that God hates. I still don't understand the pain, but I can only take mine and apply it there. I appreciate what He did for us very much. I'm so grateful and I don't know how he could do it.
I want to thank those of you who have sat in silence with me and cried with me. All of you who have just listened as I cried or yelled. Thank you to all of you who have just loved me these past few weeks. It's not yet been 3 weeks since he died, and you've given me a break. We serve a patient God, a God who understands us more than we can ever know. He gets that I'm so mad, and so sad. He is not afraid of my anger or confusion. I am so thankful for the friends who have reminded me of that. THAT is what brings me closer to him.
I love you daddy, I miss you so much. I wonder what you did today in heaven. I hope you are laughing a lot.
Love,
Madeline
Friday, April 22, 2011
Weighed down
Yesterday one of my friends told me that they can never tell when I am joking or not. I was very thankful. That's what we always said about dad.
I read the verse 1 Timothy 5:5 "The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and ask God for help." I really hope that God is helping my mom because I can't imagine losing half of me.
So far everything is consumed by my suffering. I still experience the same teenage emotions, the ups and downs, but my thoughts and experiences all have a chain attached to them with a 100 pound weight. I don't know anything without the pain. And it's not even pain like the piercing physical pain where I want to cry all the time, it's dull and lifeless. I don't know how to describe it further.
My days seem so consuming. What I mean is, my heavy heart seems to wear me out. I have never felt anything deeper, it's as is God is stretching my soul. Even though I am growing deeper, 90% of me is consumed with sorrow, and 5% is contentment or joy and the other 5% is shallow happiness. My days are filled like this. I don't know what to say to people when they ask how I am. 1. because I don't really know. 2. because it's an answer most don't want to hear. I am sure eventually my sorrow will be joy (in that case I will have a lot of extra joy) but right now I am still really confused and not sure which way to turn.
I have realized recently that my biggest struggle with God has been feeling loved by him. There are a few things that have revealed this to me. One is that I've always sort of known, but I never knew how intense my feelings of neglect from him were. Another is my relationship with boys. I understand the verse in genesis when God says "your husband will rule over you". I really don't think he meant it in a way that he was assigning husbands that role, but he meant that men will rule over the hearts of women. In the same way, men have the burden of work and provision on their hearts. This is true for me and it has always been true. What I have done in my time of being a Christian is: learn this briefly about myself, understand that it wasn't a good feeling, and sweep it under the rug. I've become a master of repressing my feelings and becoming "the perfect" type of girl. It's easy. It was easy in high school when I knew how to pursue boys. I've learned that I want to be pursued so when I stopped pursuing and waited to be pursued, I still did everything I could to fit that mold.
Now, I also am fairly self aware. Outside of my relationship with boys, I don't struggle too much with identity. It's just that when it comes to this part of my life, I am utterly consumed. It's a sick addiction that can easily be justified. I'm a master at every part of it but getting out. The time that I realized it was really bad was when I was reading something a girl wrote about her boyfriend on facebook. She wrote about how he was her life and her hero and her everything. Now my Christian mind knew how dangerous that was, but my flesh wanted that too. I remember my mind wanted to warn her, but my heart said, I wish that was appropriate, I wish that was good because it would be so easy and so natural. And that is what sin is, easy and natural. I don't want God in that way because to me He has never been someone who has been love to me. I don't know what that looks like but I do know that it's a lot more healthy than the way I have relied on boys to provide love (which has been quite minimal).
Well that's where I am. Do you understand why I don't know what to say when people ask me how I am?
I read the verse 1 Timothy 5:5 "The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and ask God for help." I really hope that God is helping my mom because I can't imagine losing half of me.
So far everything is consumed by my suffering. I still experience the same teenage emotions, the ups and downs, but my thoughts and experiences all have a chain attached to them with a 100 pound weight. I don't know anything without the pain. And it's not even pain like the piercing physical pain where I want to cry all the time, it's dull and lifeless. I don't know how to describe it further.
My days seem so consuming. What I mean is, my heavy heart seems to wear me out. I have never felt anything deeper, it's as is God is stretching my soul. Even though I am growing deeper, 90% of me is consumed with sorrow, and 5% is contentment or joy and the other 5% is shallow happiness. My days are filled like this. I don't know what to say to people when they ask how I am. 1. because I don't really know. 2. because it's an answer most don't want to hear. I am sure eventually my sorrow will be joy (in that case I will have a lot of extra joy) but right now I am still really confused and not sure which way to turn.
I have realized recently that my biggest struggle with God has been feeling loved by him. There are a few things that have revealed this to me. One is that I've always sort of known, but I never knew how intense my feelings of neglect from him were. Another is my relationship with boys. I understand the verse in genesis when God says "your husband will rule over you". I really don't think he meant it in a way that he was assigning husbands that role, but he meant that men will rule over the hearts of women. In the same way, men have the burden of work and provision on their hearts. This is true for me and it has always been true. What I have done in my time of being a Christian is: learn this briefly about myself, understand that it wasn't a good feeling, and sweep it under the rug. I've become a master of repressing my feelings and becoming "the perfect" type of girl. It's easy. It was easy in high school when I knew how to pursue boys. I've learned that I want to be pursued so when I stopped pursuing and waited to be pursued, I still did everything I could to fit that mold.
Now, I also am fairly self aware. Outside of my relationship with boys, I don't struggle too much with identity. It's just that when it comes to this part of my life, I am utterly consumed. It's a sick addiction that can easily be justified. I'm a master at every part of it but getting out. The time that I realized it was really bad was when I was reading something a girl wrote about her boyfriend on facebook. She wrote about how he was her life and her hero and her everything. Now my Christian mind knew how dangerous that was, but my flesh wanted that too. I remember my mind wanted to warn her, but my heart said, I wish that was appropriate, I wish that was good because it would be so easy and so natural. And that is what sin is, easy and natural. I don't want God in that way because to me He has never been someone who has been love to me. I don't know what that looks like but I do know that it's a lot more healthy than the way I have relied on boys to provide love (which has been quite minimal).
Well that's where I am. Do you understand why I don't know what to say when people ask me how I am?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I still have no clue.
It's crazy to be sitting here in my dorm again, after what seems like months. I keep thinking of all of the memories I had here this past year. I feel like I've changed so much, yet I still know the person I was last August. This year has been filled with so much pain. So many events that broke my heart, crushed my bones, took my breath.
I have so many mixed feelings about this year. Part of me is really envious of so many girls I see having such a perfect college experience. While I know that no one has a perfect life, I often get caught in that trap of jealousy. I wish that I could have easily made a huge group of friends (kept them longer than a few months) and done wacky crazy things that will be *hilarious* to tell my friends back home. Now, I know that most people reading this will say "who is she talking about? This isn't my life..." I understand that. But that was MY plan for college. It obviously didn't go that way... ergo confusion, jealousy, bleh.
So the other part of me says "Thank you God!" My sufferings have changed me and helped me grow so much. There were so many times when I thought, "Wow, that was hard, surely God will give me a break. Maybe say.. a year of abundant joy and blessings? Sounds good." Whenever I thought it really couldn't get worse, it really really did. Dad has cancer, Dad's tumor came back, Dad's tumor is growing, Dad has a few days to live, Dad passed away. And the way I feel now is... Dad died, but it could get a lot worse. I don't want to test God. Maybe I was before, I don't really know. But I LOVE my mom and my sisters and brother. I love my friends and my extended family. I have so much to lose. Now that I realize that, I have never felt more at peace.
No it doesn't make any sense to me but I conclude that it's the irony of God's love. I had so much fear before. I thought the world would end if Dad died. But he did. And it didn't. I don't walk around crying all day like I thought I would, but I feel joyful sometimes like I thought I wouldn't. It's all very confusing and I just try to make some sense of it. Every hour is different. Every emotion is felt. But I did discover that it feels so good to cry and just mourn for my dad. I have a really hard time doing that unless I am worshiping God. Something for me to think about.
I found a verse today, or God gave it to me, either way it gave me so much comfort that the words of people have not yet given me:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I don't completely understand, but for a moment when I read it I felt Paul had written that for me. I felt taken care of.
Well this started off at one point and ended at a completely different one. Hope it made sense.
Time for bed,
Maddi
I have so many mixed feelings about this year. Part of me is really envious of so many girls I see having such a perfect college experience. While I know that no one has a perfect life, I often get caught in that trap of jealousy. I wish that I could have easily made a huge group of friends (kept them longer than a few months) and done wacky crazy things that will be *hilarious* to tell my friends back home. Now, I know that most people reading this will say "who is she talking about? This isn't my life..." I understand that. But that was MY plan for college. It obviously didn't go that way... ergo confusion, jealousy, bleh.
So the other part of me says "Thank you God!" My sufferings have changed me and helped me grow so much. There were so many times when I thought, "Wow, that was hard, surely God will give me a break. Maybe say.. a year of abundant joy and blessings? Sounds good." Whenever I thought it really couldn't get worse, it really really did. Dad has cancer, Dad's tumor came back, Dad's tumor is growing, Dad has a few days to live, Dad passed away. And the way I feel now is... Dad died, but it could get a lot worse. I don't want to test God. Maybe I was before, I don't really know. But I LOVE my mom and my sisters and brother. I love my friends and my extended family. I have so much to lose. Now that I realize that, I have never felt more at peace.
No it doesn't make any sense to me but I conclude that it's the irony of God's love. I had so much fear before. I thought the world would end if Dad died. But he did. And it didn't. I don't walk around crying all day like I thought I would, but I feel joyful sometimes like I thought I wouldn't. It's all very confusing and I just try to make some sense of it. Every hour is different. Every emotion is felt. But I did discover that it feels so good to cry and just mourn for my dad. I have a really hard time doing that unless I am worshiping God. Something for me to think about.
I found a verse today, or God gave it to me, either way it gave me so much comfort that the words of people have not yet given me:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I don't completely understand, but for a moment when I read it I felt Paul had written that for me. I felt taken care of.
Well this started off at one point and ended at a completely different one. Hope it made sense.
Time for bed,
Maddi
Friday, April 15, 2011
No Idea
Well this is an interesting way to start out my first blog. I am not in the best mood given my current circumstances, but I can't tell you this isn't the real me. I may say things that I wouldn't say when I am in a happier mood, but that's something beautiful about pain.
My dad went to heaven last Wednesday and it's been a crazy time. I can't explain what's been going through my head because I don't even really know. I do know that I have learned a lot. So here are some things that I've learned:
1. When you face your worst fear, you aren't really scared of anything anymore
2. It helps to see people crying for you
3. People are extremely selfish
4. People mean well
5. Flowers don't bring dad back, but they do make the house smell nice
6. I have this crazy drive to buy everything I want
7. I don't have to take care of everyone because I can't, and God can
8. Life will go on
9. I'll be in heaven soon
The hardest part of this whole thing hands down:
I don't want to talk to my best friend. I want to hurt HIM like He's hurt me. I mean God of course. This is irrational, prideful, selfish, whatever you want to call it, I know so you don't need to tell me. I haven't talked to God since my mom told me my dad passed away. I have thought about it. I have felt him trying to talk to me. But what I realized is that I am holding onto that hate. Sin is so delicious to us. I love the hate, I love to hold onto it. This has not shaken my belief in God, no. It has made me hate him, and question that He is good or has ever been good. Taking my dad, makes me think I have justification for hating him. When you tell me that He is the ultimate comforter, and he wants to comfort me more than anything, I think "perfect, then I won't give Him what He wants." This won't last forever. But it has been a week since my beloved father has passed, so give me a break. I have felt the emptiness of not having a relationship with God this week though. I can't imagine how people feel who never talk to God. Who wants that? What a boring life.
That's one thing I always remember, at least I'm not bored. Every day is an adventure, with God no less. It's CRAZY in a good way. And a bad way. Who really knows. To quote Mumford and Sons: How fickle my heart and how woozy my mind.
Going to lunch now,
Maddi
My dad went to heaven last Wednesday and it's been a crazy time. I can't explain what's been going through my head because I don't even really know. I do know that I have learned a lot. So here are some things that I've learned:
1. When you face your worst fear, you aren't really scared of anything anymore
2. It helps to see people crying for you
3. People are extremely selfish
4. People mean well
5. Flowers don't bring dad back, but they do make the house smell nice
6. I have this crazy drive to buy everything I want
7. I don't have to take care of everyone because I can't, and God can
8. Life will go on
9. I'll be in heaven soon
The hardest part of this whole thing hands down:
I don't want to talk to my best friend. I want to hurt HIM like He's hurt me. I mean God of course. This is irrational, prideful, selfish, whatever you want to call it, I know so you don't need to tell me. I haven't talked to God since my mom told me my dad passed away. I have thought about it. I have felt him trying to talk to me. But what I realized is that I am holding onto that hate. Sin is so delicious to us. I love the hate, I love to hold onto it. This has not shaken my belief in God, no. It has made me hate him, and question that He is good or has ever been good. Taking my dad, makes me think I have justification for hating him. When you tell me that He is the ultimate comforter, and he wants to comfort me more than anything, I think "perfect, then I won't give Him what He wants." This won't last forever. But it has been a week since my beloved father has passed, so give me a break. I have felt the emptiness of not having a relationship with God this week though. I can't imagine how people feel who never talk to God. Who wants that? What a boring life.
That's one thing I always remember, at least I'm not bored. Every day is an adventure, with God no less. It's CRAZY in a good way. And a bad way. Who really knows. To quote Mumford and Sons: How fickle my heart and how woozy my mind.
Going to lunch now,
Maddi
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