aaaaah

Just something I was thinking about today:
Jokes, like clothes, go out of style. Since I don't want to complain over facebook, and I'm too polite to tell people to their faces (or chicken) I will complain here: where I can because you were the one who came to my page.
Things that aren't funny anymore:
1. When boys where tight/ short bottoms and then act sexy.

That's all. There are more but that's the one I really want to stress. Just really not funny at all anymore.

My heart is just broken today. I just can't stop crying all day. Last night I had a hard time too. I just miss my dad so much. I miss his smile and his jokes. I miss how he used to laugh because when he laughed it was something really funny. If you made him laugh that was a big deal. I miss when he'd roll his eyes at us. I miss when he'd yell at us for messing up the computer or the downstairs tv. I miss that whenever we'd call him to come fix a problem, he would arrive and somehow it would just start working so he'd think we were lying. I miss that he and mom were going to travel the world when they retired. I miss that my sweet mom had a husband that took care of her and brought her flowers sometimes after work. I miss when she was happy. I miss him gently putting his hands on my shoulders and kissing my head and lingering just annoyingly too long, because I wanted to get back to what I was doing. I miss him opening up his fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant and reading "Help me! I'm stuck inside a fortune cookie factory" I miss him being so practical and making our (extremely petty) problems seem so simple to fix. He always advocated love in such a simple way. He seemed always to know what was the right thing to do and it always was. He didn't drive a lot the past two years. I really really want to remember what it was like when he'd come home from work at 5 and sit down to dinner with us. I was away at college this year so I missed that this year. I just miss his wonderful brown hair. I hated to see him so distressed and so worried all the time. I wish I hadn't been so worried. This is the worst that can happen to him and it happened. I guess there really wasn't any reason to worry.

This is the part where I vent in a very minor way, so please don't take offense. I wish people knew what to say. I wish people could remember. I wish they knew that taking me to coffee once or sending a text that says "hope you're doing well" doesn't help. I wish they knew that I wanted to be called, it doesn't help to say "call me if you need anything" I probably won't call. My heart is broken and I hate getting out of bed in the morning when I know my dad isn't here. I really don't want to go out of my way to call my friends who are out having fun in the sun: biking, climbing, working, slack lining, swimming, etc. I don't want to interrupt you and bring you into my dark room to cry with me. I want you to choose to do that. My friend Jordan, she texts me once in a while and asks me how I am. She texts me for as long as I need and I usually tell her the same things over and over again. All she has to do is listen. She doesn't send me her thoughts and prayers, she just gives me time. I appreciate that so so much. She doesn't give me limited time saying she needs to go but "I hope you feel better!" She just texts back, (or talks back when she calls). I need that. I know she cares.

Sorry if that section annoys you to pieces but I really needed to get that off my chest. I'm not angry just really really broken, and I could use some hugs.



Alright vent session over.
Maddi