It's times like these when one really asks: What am I doing here?
I have been having these moments consistently for the past two months. Since Dad died I feel like my world has been completely broken. Nothing seems worthy of time, nothing seems reasonable. I can't bring myself to want to do anything. I do a lot of things, but I don't really want to do them. I just don't see a point. The things I do, I do because I am obligated. Work, eating, sleeping, even spending time with my family and with God is an obligation I put upon myself.
I know deep in my heart that God doesn't want to be an obligation to me, but a deep desire. In my heart He is an obligation right now, but I do it out of love for Him and for myself. I do it because I am selfish and I know that if I spend time with Him my heart will be happy... eventually. I know that I NEED Him. I really really don't want to take time to pray for my friends or family or even myself. I don't want to read every day and I don't want to cry and cry over my dad who isn't coming back. I don't want to cast all my cares on the Lord. I don't want to come to Him and tell him my troubles and worries. I don't want to do so many things. I literally want the world to stop all for me so that I can lay in bed and eat whatever food I want and watch TV all day AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!
The time I spend forcing myself to hangout with God enables me to get out of bed at 7 every morning and coach. It gets me to the gym and to read my textbook. It gets me to have small glimpses of hope every day for something small whether it's dessert or a meeting with a friend. It helps me to feel alive at all. I feel in my heart that there is no purpose at all, and that worldview provides for a very stagnant day. God is the only reason that I can do anything at all when I feel that there is absolutely no reason to do anything at all. And I mean anything.
I love my friends in Fort Collins, I know you are here for me. But because of my state of mind I don't have much desire to hang out with friends. I just prefer to be alone or with my family. So I don't get many texts or have many outside conversations. This would've killed me last year, but somehow I've never felt more loved or more secure. I thank God yet again for saving me from that trap within myself. I feel that there are a million angels surrounding me telling me I'm not alone. I don't have to worry about so many things that I used to before. (I never had to, but I was trapped within myself).
Well I suppose to finish off, I have been questioning my purpose and the purpose of any of this at all. I don't have an answer, nor am I looking for one. I don't want to be satisfied with an answer to that. I want to be ever seeking and learning. Right now I am distressed and frustrated and angry and broken, yet I have never felt so peaceful. I've never felt this peace while I was comfortable and happy. I never thought I needed God when I felt that way. I hope that God lets my heart feel desires and dreams and hopes again soon, but right now I am satisfied (most of the time) with feeling absolutely out of my mind insanely uncomfortable. Other times I am really pissed.
It's all gooood.
Maddi
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