One Year Later

I look back on this day last year and remember my disbelief. Mom called me and told me you died and I never cried. I didn't cry because I didn't really know what it would be like without you. I didn't know because you'd been there my whole life loving me and raising me. I did know it was the first day of my new life.

There were changes that we had to make that I didn't like. I didn't like going around without a man with us. We knew people in public would assume you were a bad father and you left us when we were young, but you weren't and you didn't. We knew it looked like you'd left mom to be a single mother and we hated that, because you were the best. We didn't like asking for five seats instead of six at restaurant tables. I hated leaving you out when I had to fill out emergency contacts. Sometimes I still wrote you in. But mom said I could get in trouble for that.

Summer was hard because I felt alone. I didn't know another college student going through something like this. I didn't like how I felt. I felt so angry at people because I wanted people to care, but I also had to remember they had their own lives. This year is when I learned how to love man but not put your trust in man, and God knows that lesson better than I. I did have some good friends though, and you know who you are because you have sat and cried with me when I needed it most.

Going back to Boise was not great to put it lightly, but there I learned the beauty of solitude. I loved Boise, but when things change it's just not the same. I couldn't be there like I was before. Though I had to say goodbye to some dear friends, moving home was the best decision I've ever made.

And coming to CSU. Much like the awkward ''how are you's?" at the beginning of the year, came to infamous "how do you like CSU?" A harmless question but aggrivating nonetheless. I'll clear this question up with -our culture's taboo- pessimism: CSU is fine. But I don't like college. I know. I should go on tour with the circus. A college student? Not being absolutely, over the top, crazy in love with the best years of my life, oh em gee, college? No. I don't like college. Sorry, if you want the answer you're looking for ask (something offensive that I won't post on my blog but it would make most of you laugh, I'm sure).  And enough venting for the year. Just had to throw that in there because I'm naturally passive aggresive and won't say something like this to a nice person's face.

I did love this year for some reasons too. I love how much we love each other now. I spend so much time with my family and we have all gotten so much closer. I love how much I love my dad. I loved you before, but now I get to see you as perfect. I forget your flaws and I long to see you again. I don't remember loving someone this much before you died. And I hate to say it but I don't think my love for you would be quite the same if things were normal like they had been all our lives. Things change and I think I knew what a great dad I had, but I just don't think you can fully desire something when it's in your grasp. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just know that I've never loved someone so much as I do now, and I cry without fail when I think of the day that you'll greet me at the Gates. I'll get to see you again! And we'll be more real than I am now. I'll get to see you again, big smile and think hair. That's the beauty in Jesus.

My favorite part of this year is how much more I know God. What a perfect way to end the first year. The first anniversary being on Good Friday. So much symbolism goes into that and it's one of those things God does for you where you just freaking can't understand how He thought of something SO PERFECT. It's just beautiful to me. I think back to this day last year when my dad died, and 2000 years ago when my God died. But the only miracle and the only hope that matters is that He was raised on Sunday so that my dad could be raised with Him, and so that all who believe in Him can be raised with Him. That is radical. As most of you know I was praying for a miracle last year, but God gently showed me that He performed a miracle that is the only one that matters. I would have loved for 40 more years with my dad, but he would have died everntually just like me. God showed me how much HE matters to our lives. Thank God. He stays true to His word. He LOVES the orphan and the widow, and he provides for them. He is near to the brokenhearted and when I am weak He is strong. Therefore I will boast all the more in my weaknesses. I'm a ragamuffin, I'm fatherless, I'm broken, and I will recieve your amazing grace because I am in desperate need.

Dad I love you. Father, I love you. This next year, take care of my brother more than anyone. I know you've got big plans for him.