I still have no clue.

It's crazy to be sitting here in my dorm again, after what seems like months. I keep thinking of all of the memories I had here this past year. I feel like I've changed so much, yet I still know the person I was last August. This year has been filled with so much pain. So many events that broke my heart, crushed my bones, took my breath.

I have so many mixed feelings about this year. Part of me is really envious of so many girls I see having such a perfect college experience. While I know that no one has a perfect life, I often get caught in that trap of jealousy. I wish that I could have easily made a huge group of friends (kept them longer than a few months) and done wacky crazy things that will be *hilarious* to tell my friends back home. Now, I know that most people reading this will say "who is she talking about? This isn't my life..." I understand that. But that was MY plan for college. It obviously didn't go that way... ergo confusion, jealousy, bleh.

So the other part of me says "Thank you God!" My sufferings have changed me and helped me grow so much. There were so many times when I thought, "Wow, that was hard, surely God will give me a break. Maybe say.. a year of abundant joy and blessings? Sounds good." Whenever I thought it really couldn't get worse, it really really did. Dad has cancer, Dad's tumor came back, Dad's tumor is growing, Dad has a few days to live, Dad passed away. And the way I feel now is... Dad died, but it could get a lot worse. I don't want to test God. Maybe I was before, I don't really know. But I LOVE my mom and my sisters and brother. I love my friends and my extended family. I have so much to lose. Now that I realize that, I have never felt more at peace.

No it doesn't make any sense to me but I conclude that it's the irony of God's love. I had so much fear before. I thought the world would end if Dad died. But he did. And it didn't. I don't walk around crying all day like I thought I would, but I feel joyful sometimes like I thought I wouldn't. It's all very confusing and I just try to make some sense of it. Every hour is different. Every emotion is felt. But I did discover that it feels so good to cry and just mourn for my dad. I have a really hard time doing that unless I am worshiping God. Something for me to think about.

I found a verse today, or God gave it to me, either way it gave me so much comfort that the words of people have not yet given me:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I don't completely understand, but for a moment when I read it I felt Paul had written that for me. I felt taken care of.

Well this started off at one point and ended at a completely different one. Hope it made sense.

Time for bed,
Maddi