Well this is an interesting way to start out my first blog. I am not in the best mood given my current circumstances, but I can't tell you this isn't the real me. I may say things that I wouldn't say when I am in a happier mood, but that's something beautiful about pain.
My dad went to heaven last Wednesday and it's been a crazy time. I can't explain what's been going through my head because I don't even really know. I do know that I have learned a lot. So here are some things that I've learned:
1. When you face your worst fear, you aren't really scared of anything anymore
2. It helps to see people crying for you
3. People are extremely selfish
4. People mean well
5. Flowers don't bring dad back, but they do make the house smell nice
6. I have this crazy drive to buy everything I want
7. I don't have to take care of everyone because I can't, and God can
8. Life will go on
9. I'll be in heaven soon
The hardest part of this whole thing hands down:
I don't want to talk to my best friend. I want to hurt HIM like He's hurt me. I mean God of course. This is irrational, prideful, selfish, whatever you want to call it, I know so you don't need to tell me. I haven't talked to God since my mom told me my dad passed away. I have thought about it. I have felt him trying to talk to me. But what I realized is that I am holding onto that hate. Sin is so delicious to us. I love the hate, I love to hold onto it. This has not shaken my belief in God, no. It has made me hate him, and question that He is good or has ever been good. Taking my dad, makes me think I have justification for hating him. When you tell me that He is the ultimate comforter, and he wants to comfort me more than anything, I think "perfect, then I won't give Him what He wants." This won't last forever. But it has been a week since my beloved father has passed, so give me a break. I have felt the emptiness of not having a relationship with God this week though. I can't imagine how people feel who never talk to God. Who wants that? What a boring life.
That's one thing I always remember, at least I'm not bored. Every day is an adventure, with God no less. It's CRAZY in a good way. And a bad way. Who really knows. To quote Mumford and Sons: How fickle my heart and how woozy my mind.
Going to lunch now,
Maddi
So for lent my mother sent me this website that talks about something different leading up to Jesus' crucifixion. This is the devotion for today, I thought you might like to read it. You are in my thoughts dear Maddi.
ReplyDeleteRead John 18:1-12. TEXT: "Then Jesus, knowing all that would happen to Him, came forward and said to them, 'Whom do you seek?'" (John 18:4).
Jesus has led His disciples to the Garden of Gethsemane. Out of the darkness we see lanterns and torches winding their way across the Mount of Olives toward the Garden. Judas leads Roman soldiers and Jewish officers. Jesus knows what is about to happen. But He doesn't cower in the corner; He goes out to them and asks whom they are seeking. They reply, "Jesus of Nazareth."
Jesus answers with three short words, "I am He," and the power of His words knock Judas, the soldiers and the officers backward. Firmly in control of the situation, Jesus orders the guards to let His disciples go. The soldiers obey, and they flee away into the dark.
Not only did Jesus protect His disciples, He also made one last attempt to reach Judas. In the dark hour to come, when Judas would be overwhelmed with guilt, Jesus wanted him to remember this moment. Jesus was not a helpless victim swept away by Judas' kiss. Jesus was in complete control. He permitted Himself to be arrested, tried, condemned and crucified. He could have stopped it at any time. But because of His love for the Father and for each of us, He will not end it but carry it through to its completion-and our ultimate salvation.
Because He loves us so much when those powers of darkness were trying their worst, so He also loves us when those powers of darkness come after you in your life.
THE PRAYER: Lord Jesus, thank You for stepping forward to suffer death for our sins, even death by crucifixion. Give us courage and confidence in the dark hours of our lives to remember that You are still completely in control. Amen.
Miss Maddi! I think this is an awesome post because you're being so honest. I especially identified with your #1 lesson, which I have often said after the death of our daughter.
ReplyDeleteGod can handle our anger...His own Son cried out in anguish on the cross. HE is hurting with you. Keep blogging Maddi! You're amazing!