Weighed down

Yesterday one of my friends told me that they can never tell when I am joking or not. I was very thankful. That's what we always said about dad.

I read the verse 1 Timothy 5:5 "The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and ask God for help." I really hope that God is helping my mom because I can't imagine losing half of me.

So far everything is consumed by my suffering. I still experience the same teenage emotions, the ups and downs, but my thoughts and experiences all have a chain attached to them with a 100 pound weight. I don't know anything without the pain. And it's not even pain like the piercing physical pain where I want to cry all the time, it's dull and lifeless. I don't know how to describe it further.

My days seem so consuming. What I mean is, my heavy heart seems to wear me out. I have never felt anything deeper, it's as is God is stretching my soul. Even though I am growing deeper, 90% of me is consumed with sorrow, and 5% is contentment or joy and the other 5% is shallow happiness. My days are filled like this. I don't know what to say to people when they ask how I am. 1. because I don't really know. 2. because it's an answer most don't want to hear. I am sure eventually my sorrow will be joy (in that case I will have a lot of extra joy) but right now I am still really confused and not sure which way to turn.


I have realized recently that my biggest struggle with God has been feeling loved by him. There are a few things that have revealed this to me. One is that I've always sort of known, but I never knew how intense my feelings of neglect from him were. Another is my relationship with boys. I understand the verse in genesis when God says "your husband will rule over you". I really don't think he meant it in a way that he was assigning husbands that role, but he meant that men will rule over the hearts of women. In the same way, men have the burden of work and provision on their hearts. This is true for me and it has always been true. What I have done in my time of being a Christian is: learn this briefly about myself, understand that it wasn't a good feeling, and sweep it under the rug. I've become a master of repressing my feelings and becoming "the perfect" type of girl. It's easy. It was easy in high school when I knew how to pursue boys. I've learned that I want to be pursued so when I stopped pursuing and waited to be pursued, I still did everything I could to fit that mold.

Now, I also am fairly self aware. Outside of my relationship with boys, I don't struggle too much with identity. It's just that when it comes to this part of my life, I am utterly consumed. It's a sick addiction that can easily be justified. I'm a master at every part of it but getting out. The time that I realized it was really bad was when I was reading something a girl wrote about her boyfriend on facebook. She wrote about how he was her life and her hero and her everything. Now my Christian mind knew how dangerous that was, but my flesh wanted that too. I remember my mind wanted to warn her, but my heart said, I wish that was appropriate, I wish that was good because it would be so easy and so natural. And that is what sin is, easy and natural. I don't want God in that way because to me He has never been someone who has been love to me. I don't know what that looks like but I do know that it's a lot more healthy than the way I have relied on boys to provide love (which has been quite minimal).

Well that's where I am. Do you understand why I don't know what to say when people ask me how I am?