I'll never know how much it costs

I'm not sure whether it's because I'm back in Boise or if it's something else, but I haven't really been able to cry much lately. I wish I could because it feels really good. I think it's that I haven't been able to grasp the fact that he is actually gone. I was on hulu today and it had an ad for Friday Night Lights. I always used to make fun of dad for watching it because mom always said it was a soap opera for men (it was still manly only because it was about football). After seeing that ad my first thought was, "I wonder if he still watches that?"

Whenever I see pictures I just don't believe he is gone. It's the craziest thing. Knowing something and believing something are two completely different things, and it's never been more obvious yet confusing to me as it is now. I don't know if I'll ever really think that he's gone. I wonder if I'll ever get a note or a text from mom that says just 'love, mom' and not add 'and dad' to the end. I know dad loves me. I wonder if I have to say 'my dad was' instead of 'is'. I just don't know. I believe that he's more alive than any of us are, so isn't 'is' more appropriate than was? Isn't he now what he was always meant to be before?

I sure miss him. I'll never understand it, and I'm not looking to understand it. The reason is because maybe God's plan in all this is that it'll bring a bunch of people to know him in the end. But my selfish desires say that's not good enough. I am human and I just want my dad. My human mind can never comprehend how God could ever let this happen, and I am content not knowing the reason and just missing him. I don't think there could be an explanation that would satisfy me. I couldn't give up someone I love for any number of people.

It sure makes you think about Easter and how God could watch his son suffer, and see his perfect son become sin, the very thing that God hates. I still don't understand the pain, but I can only take mine and apply it there. I appreciate what He did for us very much. I'm so grateful and I don't know how he could do it.

I want to thank those of you who have sat in silence with me and cried with me. All of you who have just listened as I cried or yelled. Thank you to all of you who have just loved me these past few weeks. It's not yet been 3 weeks since he died, and you've given me a break. We serve a patient God, a God who understands us more than we can ever know. He gets that I'm so mad, and so sad. He is not afraid of my anger or confusion. I am so thankful for the friends who have reminded me of that. THAT is what brings me closer to him.

I love you daddy, I miss you so much. I wonder what you did today in heaven. I hope you are laughing a lot.

Love,
Madeline